Well, we are at year end here at DeathCar, and what a wonderful 2007 it has been. A new year brings more carnage and less understanding. This of course brings us to our 1st annual "Driver of the Year" award. This dubious honour goes to the person you the readers voted in as the most worthy person of dying in a car crash in the last calendar year. It was a very tight race, but we did indeed find a clear cut winner by the end. Some of you may have expected to see a certain socialite, or perhaps a douchebag comic, but even they could not knock this man of his pedestal. He is hated not only in his own country, but every other country in the world as well. Ladies and Gentlemen I give you your Driver of the Year...
George Walker Bush
So let's make 2008 just as a good as 2007 was. Let's see your early noms for D.O.T.Y. '08. Maybe Paris or Dane take over? Maybe it's a whole new person we didn't even know we hated yet? Only one thing is for sure, and that is that many, many more people will suffer the same fate hundreds have already fallen to. So time to yet again answer that magic question...
Who is in your DeathCar?
You want to play a fun new game? It's easy, and you can play it alone or with a friend! All you have to do is find a living person that has ever even seen an episode of "Mind of Mencia". Apparently it's a top rated cable program about some douche that tricked a network into thinking he was funny, but that may just be a rumour as I can't find anything to back it up.
You know what I think think we be a funny concept for a show? Carlos Mencia in a blender. I even like the way that sounds, Carlos Mencia in a blender. It's like a beautiful poem that was written just for me.
Labels: Carlos Mencia
Ok, so you know "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel? I thought is would be a fun time to tie up some of these DeathCar alums and use them as chum. I mean, The DeathCar is fine, but imagine Bobby Flay being slowly towed at 10 knots behind one of them big science boats, slowly waiting to be eaten alive by a Great White? Just to see the look of fear on his face, man, that would be living. Of course, you can only drag one corpse around at a time that way...hmmmm,...maybe I got a little ahead of myself there. The DeathCar holds up to 5 people, and a group in the trunk. That's way more carnage and revenge for my money. Sometimes I get all excited about the prospect of righting the world's wrongs. I just have to remember, "don't try and reinvent the wheel, just add cool looking spikes".
I love Donald because he is sooooo funny, and handsome, and he says the cutest things. I remember this one time, we were walking through Central Park and he picked a bouquet of dandy lions for me. It was the sweetest thing a man has ever done for me. He just stared into my eyes and told me that I was the only one for him. That's when I knew that we would be together forever.
Also, he has a billion dollars and I'm a soulless cunt.
Labels: Melania Knauss Trump
We like to keep things fairly topical here at DeathCar. And when I say "We like to keep things fairly topical", I mean, Fuck what you like, here's your dinner bitch.
Speaking of old comic strips that nobody remembers but me and your Mom, I fucking hate Cathy. Why do I hate Cathy? Because Cathy reminds me of a dog dragging it's ass across the carpet trying desperately to control the itch on it's asshole caused by worms and owner neglect. Confused? Good. Because I have been confused by Cathy for 2 fucking decades now, and all I know is that fat bitches ain't gonna find a man at the bottom of a pint of Ben & Jerry's.
In conclusion, I am going to go soak in a nice hot bath and time how long I can hold my breath underwater now. See you later.
Editor's Note: Fuck Foxtrot as well.
So after a brief hiatus from the carnage, I thought it would be nice to ease back into it with a Life Ambulance nomination.
Now for those of you that may be new to the blog, the Life Ambulance is a sort of Hall of Fame for those few that we feel deserve a lifetime pass from the DeathCar. Current members include: Corky from Life Goes On, Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs (her soul however is in the DeathCar), Mike Tyson, and Carl Fucking Weathers.
So I am proud to announce, the newest inductee into the Life Ambulance is....(drumroll)...
Now, before you flip out, let me explain. Tom Sizemore is not only a gifted Hollywood actor, but he also directs and stars in his own low-budget adult movies. These epics often include himself feeding prostitutes copious amounts of drugs and alcohol, and performing various sex acts upon them (most of which have humourus nicknames). He also dabbles in other non-industry related hobbies which include beating the shit out of Heidi Fleiss, and cheating on drug tests by peeing clean urine through a fake penis during drug tests.
Basically, this guy has directly caused me more entertainment than any movie, televison show, and videogame I have ever seen or played combined. And for this unselfish act, he is now and forever inducted into The Life Ambulance. Congratulations Tom, you earned it.
Please use the attached image to create a deathcar update. I think the pic will speak for itself.
Truer words have never been spoken. Axl Rose used to be a flamboyantly angry frontman in short shorts, that would run around the stage in ironic t-shirts. Now he is a fat old man that struggles to make his rent. Do you know how hard it is to say that the guys that went on to make Velvet Revolver are the cool ones? Come on!
I'm not asking for much here, am I? All I want is for all the bands I grew up listening to to never change in any way, for any reason. AC/DC did it, why couldn't G'N'F'N'R? Hello? I'm asking you a question!
Labels: Axl Rose
This is a great idea that I hope more of you build on. So without further delay, The Ex-Girlfriend DeathCar.
(stealing K7's idea)
Let's play "(Someone's) Ex-GF Deathcar." Don't tell anybody.
It's not cruel: i mean, they're all going to die some day anyway. So when they are all 99 and have lived fulfilling lives and are on the verge of dying peacefully in their sleep, I humbly suggest that they consider a deathcar.
Stefanie: You were my first. But you kissed Oliver!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?
Vivi: I should never have lent you 500$.
That Colombian girl: she could have told me she was married.
Deanna Troi from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Not a gf yet, but she's still alive, so there's hope.
Just because I'm jealous she became Miss Canada. And she dated Steve M. after me. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!?!?
The girls who liked me "as a friend." WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!?!?!?!?
Editor's Note: I didn't really have a photo to go with this post, so I used the power of kittens to trick you into reading more. Apologies for the foolery.
Oh Phoebe, your quirky. Hahaahaha aha haha haaaaaaaaa...
Oh Chandler, your sarcastic. haha a ahha aahahhahaha ha hahahah...
Oh Monica, your clean. Ha ha HAha ha ahhaha ah ha h h aha ha h...
Oh Ross, you exist. Ha ha ah ahahahahha ah ahahaha....
Oh Rachel, you have nice tits Ha A A aha hahhahhah ahaa ahhaa...
Oh Joey, you're a retard. HA h AH AH ahahha ha ahahahah...
(blows head off with stolen shotgun)
Carrying on with the young, blue eyed, blond haired, pile of shit category, we now come to the Pop Stylings of Prussian Blue. But who is Prussian Blue you ask? Well, I'm glad you asked. Prussian Blue are the Twin Sister combo of Lynx and Lamb, and they are the ripe age of 14 years young. They write the catchiest songs you ever did hear, and they are as cute as buttons.
So whats the problem you ask? Well my misinformed friend, Prussian Blue are white supremacists. That's right, those white supremacists. As in Nazis, and the KKK, and the Burning Crosses, and the Holocaust (which was "greatly exaggerated" according to young Lynx.) They tour the country and sing their songs about Niggers, and Jews, and Chinaman, and delight all those that are lucky enough to bask in their underage glory. I personally hope that when they meet their maker (post DeathCar), it's a 9 foot tall midnight black motherfucker, and he gives those bitches something to be hateful about.
Editor'd Note: I think my maker is going to be a half Kirsty Alley and half Criss Angel super breed that dazzles me with magic and then eats me alive. (fingers crossed).
I don't really want to spend a lot of time on this, but James Parnell Spears, and Lynne Irene Bridges (better known as the Parents of the Spears sisters) are definately going into the DeathCar. Basically, I could write 10 pagaes about Britney and what they did wrong, but all I have to do is point out that Britney's 16 year old sister was living with her 20 year old boyfriend. Now, bitch is knocked up. Wow...who could have forseen such events unfolding?
Fuck the South.
This is just quick hit to let you guys know that Tara Reid is a 45 Pound chicken that has apparently taken to wearing diapers. I'm going to slide her into the gas tank of the DeathCar (which FYI, is always topped up for extra explosionizaisive power).
Editor's Note: I've seen healthier looking premature babies.
Have you ever noticed that everybody has heard of Eddie Izzard, but nobody has heard Eddie Izzard?
You see the problem with the English is they keep sending their shit over the pond, and it's starting smell. I think we should start sending our shit over there. Maybe we could have a DeathBoat of sorts, that we fill with our garbage, send it sea worthy, and hope it finds it's way to the Motherland. We could fill it with Martin Short, and Howie Mandell, and of course we would have to have Russell Peters, Matthew Perry and David Foster there as well. Yes, this is a wonderful plan. No more Sharon Osbourn, or Dominic Monaghans for us. Just good old fashioned Page 3 girls to fill our thriving "Price is Right" model industry.
Now, back to Izzard. You see the problem with Izzard is that he is confusing. He says he isn't a transexual, yet he wears womans clothing, and he says he is a comedian, but he isn't funny. Actually, he could be. Who knows? Nobody has ever heard him because he doesn't exist. Or does that what he wants us to think?
....So I just re-read what I wrote and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I mean, it makes enough sense, just not enough to create a valid argument. I did enjoy the DeathBoat idea though. Maybe I should made the entire blog entry about that instead of concentrating on Eddie Izzard. Whatever, either way.
Editor's Note: Seriously, why is Eddie Izzard famous?
Why the fuck did it take so long to put this bag of shit in the DeathCar?
You see, the problem is that Bono is an oblivious turd that thinks that because he wrote a few shitty songs, his opinion matters, or that even worse he can help create change. Let me be clear here, Bono's opinion does not matter, and Bono can not help create change. Bono is an 47 year old Irish twat that hangs out with a 46 year old man that wishes to be referred to as "The Edge". Together they are the douchely equivalent to Lenny and Squiggy, except these mother fuckers are real and walking the streets.
Quick Side Note: Imagine being The Edge? I mean, your not EVEN Bono, your a shitty side kick to that...thing. Seriously, why doesn't that guy just kill himself? Why doesn't anybody? Why does always have to come down to me shoving their asses in the DeathCar?
Ok,...where were we? Bono is an delusional wanker that makes shitty music. Edge is his dog. The End.
Have you ever noticed what a piece of shit Vanna White is? Oh, you have? Good. Now I don't have to go into detail about what a talentless waste of of space she is.
It must be difficult to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and know that you are doing the job that a small $10 motor could do. She must get a lot of satisfaction out of her career of turning cardboard. Actually now that I think about it, she doesn't even do that anymore. Didn't they upgrade those filthy letters to touchscreen? Fuck her. Fuck her and stupid face.
I'm soooo tired.
Editor's Note: Also, fuck the fact that there is a Vanna White Doll.
So when is Sean Kingston going to be in a death car?
Right now, me thinks.
That plagiarizing tubby piece of shit. I mean, have you counted how many times he points at the viewer in his music videos?
Fuck him and his shitty pointing.
Die, Sean Kingston. Die.
To tell you the truth, I didn't even know that Sean Kingston existed. When I googled him, I instantly recognized his face, but I thought he was that fat cast member from SNL that does the unfunny parts, or that guy that works the night shift at the Esso downtown. Either way, motherfucker has got to go.
Labels: Sean Kingston
Now I realize that this may not be the most topical DeathCar we have ever featured here, but that doesn't mean that these people are any less deserving of their impending death. You see, I stumbled across a re-run of it yesterday, and it dawned on me that Will & Grace was the worst fucking show that has ever aired in television history.
What bugs me the most about this "revolutionary" sitcom, is that people talk about how "ahead of it's time" it was, and how it broke down so many barriers for gay people. Will & Grace will do the same for the gay community what Blackface did for African Americans, or what Batwatch did for Woman's rights.
But enough about social commentary, that's not what this blog is primarily about. this blog is about smashing someone's stupid face because their face is stupid, and needs to be smashed. So here it is... DeathCar: Will & Grace Edition
Driver - Eric McCormack is a no talent hack that has a bright future of hosting non-televised parades.
Shotgun - Debra Messing started with "Ned & Stacey", then went on to "Will & Grace". and she will finish here trifecta of shit with "Some Dude & Flat-Chested Cunt".
Backseat - Sean Hayes is French Stewart but with less talent.
Backseat - Megan Mullaly. You don't have big boobs, you are fat. There is a huuuuge difference.
Backseat - The maid I guess.
Trunk - Anyone who owns any season on DVD.
Labels: Will and Grace
Tachikoma has a good idea. Let's take all of our fun childhood memories, and throw them in the toilet. So without further ado, TGIF DeathCar...
Carl Weathers made me think of Carl Winslow. That made me think of an All-TGIF DEATH CAR (aka TGIDC).
Driver: Carl Winslow (because he was Crocodile Dundee's chauffeur. do your research!)
Shotgun: Topanga (the name alone)
Back right: Cousin Larry
Back center: whoever played Cousin Larry's girlfriend
Back left: whoever played Balki's girlfriend
Trunk: Not Steve Urkel, but actually Stefan Urkel (with an accent on the e), the cooler version of Steve Urkel.
Bonus: Martin from "Martin" tied to the roof, screaming "DAMN GINA" repeatedly.
Ok, first off, this is fantastic. I give Tachikoma props like a small plane. Second, I'm afraid "Martin" was never a TGIF show. Martin debuted in 1992 on the Fox Television Network. TGIF was an ABC vehicle. Now, that being said, Big ups on remembering Martin's catchphrase of "Damn Gina". That shit is making a come back like last night dinner. Also, the Stefan Urkel reference was tight. Remember the robot Urkel, that was kind of a jerk? Good times.
Editor's Note: Did you know that Family Matters was originally supposed to be a spin-off of Die Hard? It was supposed to surround the character of "Sargeant Al Powell", and Bruce Willis was going to be his buddy that dropped by at Christmas. Instead it became a spin-off of Perfect Strangers. Harriet (The Mom) was their co-worker for the first 4 seasons. You can't buy this kind of knowledge, it's not for sale.
Thunder Tits went there.
"So does that mean we should put Jesus in the death car? I think he should ride shot gun, it seems fitting to his position in the heirarchy of heaven.
Who should drive Jesus' car of death?
I think maybe Lisa Marie Preistly. Just because. And they both have a father inferiority complex."
So I Google Searched "Lisa Marie Preistly" and Google threw up on me. It turns out that LMP does indeed share the same last name as her father (who was the King of Rock & Roll),and not an aging teen sensation, (who was the King of the Andreas Zuckerman's Ass).
Anyways, names aside, Thunder made some hay with her Jesus blast, and that is worth 10 DeathCar Points. Where can you redeem these points? At your Mom's house. What does that even mean? It doesn't matter. Idiot.
Just a quick hit. Has anyone else noticed that when you type DeathCar with an exclamation point on the end (like this: DeathCar!), it looks like DeathCarl? Who is this DeathCarl? Is he some drunk behind the wheel? Am I? Why is this even a post? Who knows. Who cares. Who?!?!
Anyways, that's been bugging me for weeks.
So in conclusion, let's put Carl Weathers in the Life Ambulance. Why? Because he's Carl Fucking Weathers, that's why!
You know what I fucking hate? Charity.
Now, before you get all fat, sweaty, drunk, Jerry Lewis on me, let me explain. I hate it when every holiday season, I can't turn on my Television, radio, or open my junk mail without some bearded shithead with a stupid hat telling me that all the kids in Africa are going to miss Christmas this year, and they don't even have the energy cry about it, because they so very very hungry.
Make sense? No? Ok, I'll digress...
You see, these kids don't give a shit about Christmas. Why? Because they don't even know what a Jesus is. And even if they did know what the Jesus was, they only know this because the same asshole charitable organization that is guilting you for having money, is brainwashing these poor bastards (no pun intended) into believing that their lack of Christian faith is what's causing them to die of malaria. And if you think that either way, "at least my donation feeds a child", you are wrong. These people collect hundreds of millions of dollars every year, and about 4 cents makes it to these kids. So do yourself a favor and eat until you explode this year guilt free, because you can't do shit. (unless you volunteer or something, and that's just crazy talk).
So now that that rant is over with, let's put someone in the DeathCar! But who? It should probably be related to the charity rant (above). Hmmmm.....what was the name of that fat bitch from 'All in the Family'? Sally something....anyways, that bitch has got die. Agreed? (cut to sound effect of large crowd clapping and cheering). Good.
Editor's Note: Does anyone else think it's odd to have a 300 pound lady as a spokesperson for starving children? Also, does anyone else remember when Jerry Lewis started talking about "fagots" during last years telethon? Magic.
You know what's funny about Whoopi Goldberg? Nothing.
Well, nothing except for the fact she has the name of a Jewish Clown. You see, Whoopi was born Caryn Elaine Johnson, but needed a more hilarious name. And nothing is funnier than two sheets of rubber that are glued together with a small opening, that once sat upon, creates a sound similar to human flatulence. Nothing except for the idea of a black Jew, am I right or am I right?
So her poor choice in stage names is not the only reason why Whoopi is being escorted to the DeathCar, you see, I am (as the Ancient Germans would say), sick of her stupid face. Maybe it's just my generation, but bitch ain't good at shit. She has won an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, and a Tony and I can't for the life of me figure out why. Was it for her gripping portrayal of Deloris Van Cartier in Sister Act? or was it her dramatic turn in the critically acclaimed TV Sitcom "Whoopi". No, no, no, I know what is was it was when she wrote the comedic master piece which saw her then boyfriend Ted Danson go on stage and do a comedy act in BLACKFACE.
This entry is on temporary hiatus pending further review, (I mean Ted Danson?,.....bitch can't be all bad).
Today I thought I would do something that would put us all in the holiday spirit, while at the same time building on the "General Public" idea that Cheese brought us last week. I am of course refering to Christmas Carolers.
Christmas Carolers have got to be in the Top 3 most uncomfortable situations you could ever find yourself in. I mean, you are sitting on your couch, watching that fireplace channel, minding your own business, when a group of strangers has approached your home with the intent on spreading the word of "our" savior with the beauty of song.
What. The. Fuck.
Honestly, what part of that sounds like a good idea? It's like saying, "I want to sing for people, but they don't want to hear it, so I will go to their homes where they have no escape!". Imagine if everyonme did this? What if that filthy 15 year old kid with the half stach, that mows your neighbours lawn, suddenly wanted to share his love of Metallica. Would it be kosher for him to go from house to house and sing it? Or what if your landlord started going from apartment to aprtment singing the theme song to NFL Monday Night Football? That wouldn't happen because it's fucking retarded. Something has to be done. So basically I have decided to start the first Holiday DeathCar. I will be adding new additions for the next 2 weeks, so if you have anything or anyone that you need dead, just add them to the list. And just so you know, the other 2 most uncomfortable situations you could ever find yourself in are...
1. Your Mom walking in on you masterbating.
2. Falcon catching you stealing eggs from it's nest.
Newcomer, Suzieju is proposing a brand new concept that just may sweep the nation. Like Pogs, and the hulahoop before it, Death DeathCar will fill all of your "not quite dead enough" needs.
Death Death Car:
Die again for the second time.
Already dead, but man i'm glad that they are. The following people were driving through one of the 7 plains of hell on their vacation when they drove into a bus of dead nuns. All 5 passengers died, again - for the second time.
Man that guy really sucked. He was busy eating a McDonalds Big Mac and got some special sauce on this upper lip, which forced his car to lose control and hit the bus of nuns.
Shotgun: Walt Disney
Hitler's right hand man and gay lover. They do everything together.
Back Seat 1: Garth Brooks
Shit! He's not dead. Damn, i thought it was him. My mistake, i was thinking of Chris Gaines.
Back Seat 2: Lady Diana
This chick did absolutely jack squat for the world, so she died and became some kinda of martyr, who for some gd reason was mourned heavier than Mother Teresa. To make it worse Elton John rewrote one of his gay songs for her and made a major fortune off of it. She's the only one out of the group who died in two car accidents... What a pity.
Back Seat 3: Anna Nicole Smith
Anna and Lady Diana deserve to be together. Maybe they are brushing each other's hair and having sleepovers in HELL.
Editor's Note: Remember in Beetlejuice, when Adam and Barbara are walking down the hallway of the office in the neitherworld, and they come across the room where all those spirits are floating around, and the janitor explains that it was death for the dead. What was that room called? It's driving me insane.
Another Editor's Note: Yes, I realize that this is the second time in 2 weeks that I have referenced Beetlejuice.
So DeathCar is 1 month old today, and I thought it would be an appropriate time to do a quick recap. You have nominated almost 100 Men, Woman, animals, bands, ideas, and 2 children. Bravo. Here are the top 10 vote getters thus far...
George W. Bush
So sit back, pour yourselves a stiff drink and remember that there are still a lot of people out there that deserve to be placed in motor vehicles with shotty brakes. Get typing.
Editor's Note: Yes, I realize that the Hamburger Helper pic (above) is amazing.
It seems like a simple question, but I have had a team of scientists on it for over a week now, and all they can tell me is that "bitch needs help". Seriously, is she an actress? Is she a princess? All I know is that England is full of tabloid sensations that may or may not exist in real life , and that's fine with me. But when that shit starts to seep over the ocean and onto my television it's getting personal. Was there a shortage on skinny, talentless, drug addicts over here that I was unaware of? Did we really need to start importing more to fill some void? Hello? Somebody fucking answer me!!!
Editor's Note: It's kind of hard to tell, but there is a wonderful strand of drool hanging from her mouth. Why can't I find a girl like this?
Labels: Amy Winehouse
So you know how 100% of the earth's population wants to skin Ty Pennington alive? Don't you think it's kind of weird that nobody has done it yet? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm sure he is a nice guy, but his stupid face and voice and haircut and soul patch and megaphone, and tool-belt, and hairless body are enough to drive anyone to a gasoline based homicide. Am I wrong?
I also decided to google our shameful friend and found out that he is the spokesperson for ADHD. Isn't that kind of like having George Carlin being the spokesperson for Tourette's?
So where was I? Oh yes, Ty Pennington being skined alive. So who's in?
From Heathen, with love....
Driver: Ben Stiller.
Surely he would be doing something spontaneously(?) goofy, thereby causing his passengers to laugh uproariously. The resultant cacophony would then cause him to careen off a cliff, sending him back to the den of Satan from whence he came….
Passenger: Renee Zellweger.
The perpetual lemon-sucker and purveyor of plastic surgery can surely not scream whilst she puckers?
Back Left: Matthew McConaughy.
He’s southern. He’s shirtless. He’s a douche.
Back Middle: Al Pacino
Why hasn’t this guy overacted himself to death already?
Back Right: Nancy Grace
She has a face for radio and a voice to match? (N.B. I don’t listen to the radio).
Trunk: Those fecking Cavemen.
How did I waste an entire hour of my life (not to mention good reefer) on these advertisement-cum-sitcom hacks?
I have to say that I am very happy to see that the trend of wrtting your own DeathCar is catching on. It not only gives people a clearer window into the soul of the author, but it saves me the time of being awake. I'm also surprised it took this long for someone to throw Ben Stiller in their car. That guy's bit got real old, real fast. Just like his corpse. Sitting lifeless, in a rolled vehicle. Rotting. With birds picking at his eyes.
Also, Al Pacino's head is in his lap.
"Hello there darling, could I bother you for some assistance? You see, I seem to have misplaced my Adams Apple. Have you seen it anywhere? I have been calling for it with my baritone voice but it didn't work. Maybe if I gently caress your face with my gigantic hands? Or if I show you my secret penis?...hello?....hello?"
Ya, so Kathleen Turner resembles a dude. That's all I was getting at. I also wanted to note that I realize that the drawing of her (above) doesn't really sing my point, but at the same time, you have to admit, somebody out there is drawing Kathleen Turner and putting it on the internet. You have to.
"We are the youth of America, and we can make a Difference" - Stephan Baldwin, Age 41.
So you may not be hip on the current affairs of the other, other, other Baldwin brother, so I will get you up to date. Stephen has quit show business (read: Can't find work to save his life), so he has decided to find Jesus and give him back to the kids. He realized that kids can't relate to these old farts preaching the Bible to them, so he decided to take his street cred (Read: Was in The Usual Suspects 10 years ago), and convert the youth himself. But how? How is he planning on filtering the old crusty Bible through his coolness and to a larger audience? I'm glad you asked, Stephen is doing it with the help of Extreme Sports! That's right, now teens have a chance to bungee jump, skateboard, and pray all at once. Thank you Stephen Baldwin, thank you for making the world a slightly more ignorant place. Amen.
Editor's Note: No shit, apparently he plays U2 at the youth retreats. You can't make that shit up.
Labels: Stepahn Baldwin
First I have to say, I have no problem with the super rich. And when I say I have no problem with the super rich, that means I have a big problem with the super rich. Why you ask? Well my darlings, it simply has to do with the fact that they all turn into human/trout hybrid mutants that feed off of our beautiful, like bees to a flower (and don't get me started on bees).
Basically, the meat and potatoes of the situation is, Richard Branson looks like a toad and I don't like it. Would it bother me if he was a homeless person? No. So am I basically saying that I only hate the man because of his power, wealth and lifestyle? No, what I am saying is that..
RICHARD FUCKING BRANSON LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING CAMEL.
Labels: Richard Branson
Stop, collaborate and listen, Cheese is back with a brand new edition...
I'm am definitely likeing the theme DeathCars that are being submitted lately. Here we have a "General Public" entry that I have to say is pretty damn good. I Particularly enjoy the ironic T's addition. Note to scenesters, when Zeller's starts selling it, it's not cool anymore. This includes the "Future Cougar" T-shirt, the "Goonies" T-shirt, and even the single color, off-set stock footage "Art" print T-shirt. Sorry, I don't make the rules I just enforce them (and by enforce them, I mean I write a blog under an alias).
Deathcar: General Public Edition
Driver: People who wear ironic Ts
Shotgun: People who dress their babies and/or animals in ironic Ts.
Back Left: People who use the word "funky" seriously.
Back Right: People who say "Crackbook" or "Crackberry".
Back Middle: People who cruise Robson Street.
Trunk: People who put bullet hole decals on their cars.
Editor's Note: I once saw a car with the aforementioned bullet hole decals and one of them was on the window. Fuck. Everybody.
I want to feed her apples and sugar cubes, and nail shoes to her feet.
I could go on forever about her, but it basically just boils down to the fact she appears to be a half human, half horse super breed, and that scares the shit out of me.
Get in the car, bitch.
Labels: Sarah Jessica Parker
So today is a very special day for this old blog, because Dakota Fanning joins Bindi Irwin as the only "children" in the DeathCar family. Now when I say "children" I mean teenager. You see Dakota is 14 now, which in my books makes her fair game for death nominations (which from here on in will be referred to as "D-noms" as I am trying to youth up the site for that crucial 13-21 market). Anyways, where was I? Right. So Dakota Fanning is an annoying coont that won't stop smiling, and she talks like a 35 year old, and she is going to (at best) look like Laurie Metcalf when she is older. So...ya. Bitch has got to go.
Compilation Of Funniest Tyson Quotes - Watch more free videos
DeathCar friend T-Rex sent this to me, and well, it inspired me. Clearly, Mike Tyson has rose to the ranks of "Superior Human", and he deserves an honour that compliments the boy he was, the man he is and the legend he will soon be. That is why today here at DeathCar, we are inducting Mike Tyson into the Life Ambulance. congratulations Mike, your are Officially untouchable (unlike all those women you blessed with your fists).
In order to celebrate the 50th post on the old blog, I decided to invite my celebrity friend 50 Cent to help answer some FAQ's about DeathCar...
Q: But Where do I submit my DeathCar?
A: Just leave it as a comment under the newest post.
Q: But I don't have an account set up.
A: Then set one up, or just leave it anonymously or something. I don't know, what am I your Mom?
Q: Should I email my comments to you?
A: No, again...USE THE COMMENTS SECTION.
Q: I can't decide who to put in my DeathCar.
A: Then just pick one person and slowly update it as you think of new ones. Seriously, this isn't that fucking hard.
Q: I think you are mean, and I don't "get" the humor here.
A: Go fuck yourself.
So Cheese week is slowly turning into cheese month, but when the bodies start to pile up, someone has to take the fall (and again, I have no idea what I'm even typing here, I'm just trying not to drown in my crapulence).
And were back...
Nancy Grace is a former district attorney, and current bag of shit. You may recognize her from her many achievements that include using the death of her fiancé to further progress her career, driving a a young woman to commit suicide, and generally just making facts up to support any bullshit that happened to fall our of her mouth that day. Nancy Grace is not only deserving of a seat in the DeathCar, but I think she could handle an entire car of her own. Maybe we should develop some sort of glass car like the Popemobile so that we can all enjoy the look on her face before she bursts into flames. Ah daydreams, where would I be without you?
Ah, a woman of few words...
Now I know what your thinking. Why would someone put a the Mayor of Vancouver in the DeathCar? Well I guess that depends on your political slant, and how you want to see our society molded. Do you want to live in a place where we have a conceded effort for reduction in homelessness, a base for a ecologically sound city and a steady drop in street addiction? Or would you like a filthy cripple as your Mayor? The ball is your court people.
Editor's Note: The NPA (Non-Partisan Association)? That don't make no sense.
P-Trox comes up with an interesting point. Midgets are subhuman creatures that feed off our young like vampire bats to field mice. Actually that seems a little harsh, they are also good at shining my shoes, and playing the part of R2-D2, Alf or that kid that used to yell "Da Plane, Da Plane". ya,...so Basically, this happened...
The Rolloffs!!! Yeah that clan of midget/twigs....they need to take a dirt nap on the family farm, after spilling out of the john deer while on their way to the crapper for a family dump.
Again, you can't argue with science.
So it looks like someone has taken my advice to heart (finally), and done my work for me. Spec7ral has not only written his own DeathCar rant, but he produced and directed it as well. Think of him as the Ivan Reitman of borderline Inappropriate blogs. But before I turn him loose like Loverboy, I have to say, his inclusion of Chris Pronger's Wife is not just untopical, but wonderous in it's own Endeavor. Enjoy.
Hey fuck face I have a Turd car for you, it is all female as I am a misogynist:
Driver: Tyra Banks. She's not pretty. She thinks she can judge models because she has big tits and a bigger forehead. And her show isn't even in HD on the HD channels. Of all programs, shouldn't a program about people with (supposedly) little to no physical defects be shown in HD? I want to see her fucking dirty pock marks.
Shotgun: Courtney love. Obvious pun.
Backseat: Barry Bonds. You deserve no records and no accolades. You deserve to get your hyper human blood all over Tyra's forehead at the moment of impact. And that's right, he was a woman before he took the juice.
Chris Pronger's Wife: You thought it was cold in Edmonton? Try sitting between these two cuntwraps.
Tila Tequila: Because I love your reality show. Because I deleted my myspace. Because you aren't bisexual. Because you are getting rich the Latin way.
Tila Tequila's lap: Dakota Fanning, DIE BITCH!
Trunk: Facebook. Vaginas, every single one of you.
Window clasp: Canucks flags on all four windows to symbolize the ultimate retardedness of the people inside.
P.S. This car would ride through the guts of Oprah as she would have been my Driver choice but is dead already and needs further romping.
So Gorf has decided to get off his ass and complete the DeathCar he started the other day. He has (under much pressure I might add) decided to replace Princess Diana with The Donald. I have to say, he has put together a fine load here. I particularly enjoy the Carson Daly addition. That guy needs a swift bomb to the throat. Anyways, let's stop the delays and get right to it...
GORF NOVEMBER '07
Driver: Donald Trump
Shotgun: Shawn from Spence Diamonds
Backseat: Charlie Sheen
Backseat: Carson Daly
Backseat: Marc Anthony
Oops! Looks like Gorf forgot to fill his trunk. I guess he wanted me to put the corpse of Princess Diana in there. I bet if Gorf were here right now he would say something like...
"Princess Diana was an ugly whore that molested children". -Gorf
Boy, Gorf is really going to get it for that one. But again, I'm not going to play some sort of "DeathCar God" and tell people who they should and should not put in their trunks, even if that person is a dead princess beloved by millions.
Again, please address all comments to GORF.
So I found an interesting little tid bit about one of our Designated Driver's here at DeathCar, that i thought would be fun to share. It turns out that Kirstie Alley (Read: The Gunt) has had a new sex position named after her.
The Kirstie Alley Sex Maneuver
But what is the Kirstie Alley Sex Maneuver you ask? Well, UrbanDictionary.com defines it as "The act of eating while having sex". It really must be quite a day for you when society thinks about eating and fucking, an image of you pops in their mind. I guess it could be worse. It could be "The act of eating shit while having sex". Speaking of which, has anyone seen that "Two girls, One Cup" video? I have yet to, and I think I'm afraid. Someone should make a "Two Girls, One Kirstie Alley" video. Now that sounds frightening.
Editor's Note: As per the "Thunder Tits Act" of 2007, Kirstie Alley may only be placed in the trunk.
Benny has taken DeathCar to where it needs to be. You notice how he has provided his own comments for his entries? This means that I can just post it as is. You see, this saves me precious minutes which I will later use to watch televison. Ahhh, King Of Queens, when will Doug learn that he can't pull the wool over that fat cunt's eyes?
Anyways, here is Benny's DeathCar. Enjoy.
Driver: Courtney Love (I would say she's a modern-day Frankenstein but that's way too kind)
Shotgun: Rachel Ray ("You can't fake a good meal"...William Burroughs. "Yummy"....Rachel Ray enjoying a shitty meal).
Backseat: Glenn Healy (Hockey Douche Supremo)
Backseat: Margaret Cho (Tearing down stereotypes....oh wait, yeah, just not funny and very unattractive)
Backseat: Oprah (STOP trying to heal people with cars and 30-second sound bites).
Trunk: Hollywood (Let people age with grace and make movies with grace, it's not that hard).
*note* you may include or replace one of the above with...
Hood ornament: Raphael Nadal (cut your shorts and learn to play tennis).
ps - apparently I mostly hate women - is this natural? There are a lot of "Death Car" worthy men out there.
"Shawn from Spence Diamonds has to be in this car. Also maybe Princess Diana....what? ...already? okay can I take that one back?"
The answer is no. You can't take that one back. You can't take someone out of the DeathCar without first replacing them with an equally death-worthy foe. So, that being said, on with the show!
So because I don't know who "Shawn from Spence Diamonds" is, and I do know who Princess Diana is, I will have to concentrate on the latter here. I hope I do this justice. I am only going to write what I already know Gorf is thinking. OK...here goes.
Princess Diana is such a stupid, dead, cunt. I hope that she is rotting in hell right now. The best day of my life was when that dumb bitch died. My only regret is that she didn't die directly in front of her children. Also, she was a racist.
Now I have to say that i do not personally have any problem with Princess Diana myself. In fact, I thought she was a beautiful humanitarian, and the world is a worse place without her. But, who am I to tell someone else that their opinions (Gorf's) are not valid?
To summarize, please make all comments regarding the above to GORF. Thank you, and have a pleasant day.
Cheese Week continues here at DeathCar with the original "Cool Dad" Robin Williams. I figured that this was a perfect opportunity to debut the great new ongoing feature...
Top 10* Reasons __________** should drive***.
* May vary
** This week, Robin Williams
*** Or just kill themselves
Ready? Lets Go!
10. College roomates with Christopher Reeve, Christopher Reeve now Dead. Coincidence?
9. That filthy genie form Aladdin.
8. The gay character he suddenly jumps into in every single interview he has ever done.
7. Cast member of The Richard Pryor Show, Richard Pryor now Dead. Coincidence?
6. Has the herpes (seriously).
5. The Middle Eastern character he suddenly jumps into in every single interview he has ever done since 9/11.
4. The black character he suddenly jumps into in every single interview he has ever done.
3. He has the right to bear arms.
2. Last person to see John Belushi alive. Coincidence?
1. Mrs. Doubtfire 2 (Summer 2009)
So it turns out that DeathCar on Wikipedia was nominated for a "Quick Deletion" by an administrator because he felt that in was merely a giant advertisment for DeathCar, which is absolutely proposterous, and I have never been so insulted.
If you were one of the lucky few to see the page before those fascists at Wiki took it down you would have seen a list of contributors, a short bio on DWB, and articles on the All-Animal DeathCar, and The Life Ambulance.
Perhaps when we live in a society that lets us exchange ideas without subjection to "fair guidelines", we can enjoy a high DeathCar Google ranking together.
Just a quick hit to let you all know that DeathCar can now be found on Wikipedia.
Check it out.
Editors Note: If you go to Wiki, you have to type in "The DeathCar" as just "Deathcar" is apparently some lame song, by some lame band called "Fightstar". You can check it out here http://www.myspace.com/fightstar
Editors Note 2: The song is not good. The band is worse.
Editors Note 3: Seriously, why did they have to ruin DeathCar for me?
Second String Death car:
Driver: Former co -host of American Idol Brian Dunkleman
Front Passenger: Jerry Lewis
Back left: Luke Perry
Back right: Bill S Preston Esquire (Alex Winter)
Trunk: The Great Apes (this includes Chimpanzees, Gorrillas, and orangutans. For not being humans.)
So I'm not sure what "Second String" is all about, but the DeathCar looks great. Maybe T-Rex has multiple DeathCars like a rich world traveler or a mechanic. Either way this needs to be further examined. But who? I do hate anything and everything to do with American Idol, but the guy did have the wherewithal to leave. Luke Perry is annoying, but then again i think he already died in a hot-air balloon accident in '98. Alex Winter was with Luke at the time, and Jerry Lewis is a king amongst Men in France. I guess this can only leave us with...The Dirty Apes.
This actually would have made a great addition to the All-Animal DeathCar Tachikoma sent us a few days ago, especially that filty KoKo, that knew over 1000 signs in that deafo language. And what's the deal with Deaf people needing to sign? Their ears don't work, not their mouths. The can easily communicate when their hungry or need a walk by barking or peeing on your shoes. And if you need to tell them they are being gay, you can just press the shock button that activates the device they wear on their chokers. If you ask me, sign language is a big fat waste of time. Just like all those monkeys. Well all of them except Helen Keller, that bitch had a nice rack.
Editor's Note: Wait, is he confusing Deaf people with Dogs or Monkeys? And who is KoKo? Wait, Helen Keller didn't have a nice rack...did she?
- ► 2010 (55)
- ► 2009 (232)
- ► 2008 (282)
- Driver of the Year 2007
- Carlos Mencia is shitty.
- The Great White Hype
- A walk to remember with Melania Knauss Trump.
- Can cartoons die?
- Game on!
- Chinese Democracy Torture.
- It's not you, it's me.
- The one where everyone dies.
- White Christmas.
- Spear Chucker
- Somebody get this bitch a hamburger.
- Eddie Izzard is a ghost.
- Bono is shite.
- White Power
- Who the fuck is Sean Kingston?
- Fuck this show.
- Can you die from laziness?
- The Passion of the Peach Pit (After Dark).
- Carl Fucking Weathers
- All you can eat.
- The Anti-Boner.
- Fuck Christmas.
- Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.
- The Big Ten
- Who the fuck is Amy Winehouse?
- Good Morning DeathCar Family!
- Kathleen Turner Overdrive
- Stephen Baldwin is my Co-Pilot.
- Mo' Money, Mo' Problems
- This shit is amazing.
- The General Public
- Sarah. Jessica. Parker.
- Dakota going South or Fanning the Flames (both equ...
- Mike, welcome to the Life Ambulance.
- The 50th Post.
- Grace on Fire
- Sam Sullivan: Stand up guy.
- ► November (47)
- ▼ December (41)