I can't be positive here,(pun intended), but this may be the first uplifting happy ending smiles all around post we have ever had at DeathCar.
This is Queen.
I want (need) you to enjoy this. So click play and close your eyes and just listen. It will change your life.*
*May not change life.
You see, the problem is, that Carl Lewis is a sex machine, and would never sleep with an old woman. This video is making me re-evaluate my priorities, and that makes me cry the night away.
I miss 1988.
We make Hollywood blockbusters that cost 300+ Million Dollars to produce, and they glue a monkey to a goat and make that mother walk his way to survival.
What is more entertaining?
I rest my case.
I think it's time we added some more features to the old DeathCar. And when I say that I want to add a few more features, I mean I want to add some easy shit that I can post when I'm in a hurry.
So to start off this new "feature" that will be from this point on known as "Then this happened...", we have Nic Cage dressed as a bear fighting a woman.
I'll take wonderful for the block.
The clip is free, the feeling in the bottom of your stomach is not. Pay up.
So as you all may or may not know, I spent the last week in Hollywood, California accepting an award on behalf of myself for Achievement in the field of Excellence. It was an honour to accept such a deserving bestowal unto myself. I truly am a king amongst men.
Anyways, that's neither here nor there, the point of the story is that I saw something that made me want to cry and also made me feel so very warm inside all at the same time. My friends, I saw Spiderman cry.
Let me set the mood...
It was around 1pm, about half way between Hollywood Blvd, and Sunset Blvd, on whatever street the In n Out Burger is on. I was walking north, looking for a cab, when there it was. Spiderman. Crying. And smoking a cigarette.
How do you react to something like that? Do you try and console him? Do you walk away and pretend to not notice? Or do you laugh and point?
I did not point....but I did laugh. Did Spiderman notice me laughing at him? 70% Yes, 30% Maybe. Either way, I can now die happy.
Editor's Note: Typing in Spiderman into the google image search and coming up with that gem has officially made my day.
So the first big post after a week away. I decided to throw the honour into Tachikoma's court and he did not fail to fill some pretty big standards. And when I say he did not fail to fill some pretty big standards, I mean he failed to fill some pretty big standards.
Tach emailed me the following pictures....
He also added the text.."no scientist, but plenty of boobs."
So I assume that Tach had been drinking, or at least sleep deprived because there is a couple problems with this post. One, even if you wanted to just post pictures of hot asian chicks with big boobs, there are way hotter chicks than that circling the internet, and second, I did some snooping on the model (Serena Kozakura), and it turns out she wins court cases based on her ample mounds (check it out, that shit is real).
So basically, there was a perfectly good DeathCar story just sitting there and all we get is a couple of photos the Tach may or may not have pleasured himself to.
This is your DeathCar. I hope you enjoyed it.
What a magical carpet ride through the heaven that is West Hollywood. Alas, the blog is back from hiatus and continuing on the frightful path of discovery that is something, something, something.
DeathCar 4 Life.
Dear DeathCar reader,
So this is just a quick note to let you know that the DeathCar will be dormant for the next week as there will be no writers to write it. DWB is going to Los Angeles to accept an award for being amazing, and Tachikoma lives in China, and the Chinese hate this blog more than life itself (and the Chinese hate life a lot).
So basically, unless the Chateau Marmont magically gets internet access in the next 7 days, this is it for now. Please use this time to think about what you as a reader could do to make this blog better for me the writer. It really is the least you could, you ungrateful little shits.
So the Moustache blog is fucked up again. How do I fix it? I don't know. How do I make it up to you? I don't.
Here is a picture....
But what is that? Well, it's nuts...for your truck.
Figure it out.
Actually what I meant to write up there was "Think Fast", but Think Fats works even better. You see my filthy little friends, I walked into my home today and picked up the mail only to find a special announcement from my local McDonald's Restaurant. What was the announcement? Well, it was something that had haunted my dreams for the better part of a decade, and I thought it was behind me. It is my pleasure and sorrow to announce, the return of the McRib.
But why is the McRib such a big deal? Well if i have to explain it to you, you are either new to this country, or capable of controlling what you put into your body. You see, the McRib is not only the tastiest morsel that this Fast Food Nation has ever seen, but it is made from 100% Pure Alberta Miscellaneous Parts. That's correct. It makes the Mcnuggets look Organic. It has the consistency of rubber, and smells like feet, but the taste is what dreams are made of.
Ok, I know what you are thinking. You think that this is all well and good, but how does this affect me? I would rather eat out of the garbage than McDonald's. Well my friend, did I mention the Meat Bone? Yup, The Meat Bone. It's a bone, made of meat. What are you suppose to do with that? How about EAT THE MOTHERFUCKER!
So in summary, Meat Bone, Meat Bone, Meat Bone. I'll be at McDonald's or the hospital or the gutter. Either way, it's been fun.
The Movie: College Road Trip
The Cast: The fat chick from The Cosby Show, and the black guy from Martin.
The Plot: Parents just don't understand.
The Review: Damn Gina!
The Rating: 3.9 Stars (Out of 1000).
"Ok, be careful jimmy, this is your last wish. Make sure it's something you really really want."
First the Bacon Bowl and now this? Maybe we should have a bacon themed week here at the old DeathCar? We could get Kevin to host it!
This is real.
This is a scene from the 1989 Movie "Samurai Cop".
This is not a porno.
This is just a very real scene, from a very real movie, that was written by a very real person.
This may very well be the day you die.
Editor's Note: The reaction shots of the black guy are maybe the greatest thing on the planet. God bless the internet.
I can't start this off any funnier way than with this quote:
"A Belgian writer has admitted that she made up her best-selling "memoir" depicting how, as a Jewish child, she lived with a pack of wolves in the woods during the Holocaust, her lawyers said Friday.
Misha Defonseca's book, "Misha: A Memoire of the Holocaust Years," was translated into 18 languages and made into a feature film in France.
Her two Brussels-based lawyers, siblings Nathalie and Marc Uyttendaele, said the author acknowledged her story was not autobiographical and that she did not trek 1,900 miles as a child across Europe with a pack of wolves in search of her deported parents during World War II."
I'm sorry? A sphincter says what?
"...she did not trek 1,900 miles as a child across Europe with a pack of wolves in search of her deported parents during World War II."
It's like Schindler's List meets ... um ... one of those t-shirts that has a picture of a wolf on it.
Seriously, how did tards not figure this out sooner?
In fact, what exposed this was actually her last name, not her wolf-related antics:
"I'm not an expert on relations between humans and wolves but I am a specialist of the persecution of Jews and they (Defonseca's family) can't be found in the archives," Belgian historian Maxime Steinberg told RTL television. "Her family is not Jewish nor were they registered as Jewish."
Coincidentally, we do have access to an expert on the relations between humans and wolves. He is a Death Car scientist, and we interviewed him yesterday by picking up a red telephone that caused a light to blink on an antique computer in an underground bunker staffed around the clock by Death Car scientists and the monkeys they experiment on.
Dr. Benway, the aforementioned expert, had this to say:
"According to my decades of wolf and human research, wolves generally do not seek out minority groups to protect from persecution by cackling supervillains, Nazis, goblins or other unfriendly types. In fact, wolves tend to bite and scratch humans whenever possible. Humans, for their part, tend to wear shirts that have wolves on them, or work the word "wolf" into rock band names and songs, such as Wolfmother, Wolf Eyes, and whatever band sang "Hungry Like The Wolf". I think it was Duran Duran but I could be wrong."
He's not wrong. He's a DeathCar scientist.
You remember when you were in Elementary School, and you would do those great impressions of retards, where you hit the side of your hand against your chest and tilt your head to the side, and make that air horn like sound? Ya, this guy got that a lot.
Best of: Arrested Development quotes (Part 2 of 342)...
- Gob: My God, what is this feeling?
- Michael: Well, you know the-the feeling that you’re... that you’re feeling is-is what many of us call “a feeling.”
- Gob: But it’s not like envy, or even hungry.
- Michael: Could it be love?
- Gob: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it’s the opposite. It’s... it’s like my heart is getting hard.
- George Michael: It's the girl who ripped my heart out. The girl whose face will always be etched in my mind.
- George Sr.: Her?
- George Michael: [long pause] She's really funny.
- George Sr.: Well let's hope so.
- Maeby: That Steve sure knows how to please a lady.
- George Michael: Good..I-I was hoping he would be gifted sexually.
- Gob: I'm going to buy you the single healthiest call girl this town has ever seen.
- Michael: This is why I'm calling it a 'witness' and not a best man. All you gotta do is watch.
- Gob: Oh I'm not going to pay that kind of money and not watch!
- Michael: It's like we finish each other's...
- Lindsay: Sandwiches?
- Michael: Sentences. Why would I say...
- Lindsay: Sandwiches?
- Michael: That time I was going to say sandwiches.
- ► 2010 (55)
- ► 2009 (232)
- Saskwatch yourself.
- La Pequeña Kill KIll KIll.
- Then this happened 4....
- Then this happened 3....
- Then this happened 2....
- Then this happened...
- The Moustache Machine is up and running again.
- Spiderman Vs. Depression
- Tachikoma is at it again.
- Back in Black!
- DeathCar goes Hollywood
- Nuts to you.
- Good news for people that like bad news.
- DC Movie Reviews: College Road Trip
- The healing power of bacon.
- Drain the meat, you're ready to go!
- Yes. Yes I would.
- Wolf in Jews clothing.
- Mandy gives without taking.
- And here you are coming out of your mother's third...
- ▼ March (22)