Dream a little dream.


You are looking at that.

It's a motherfucking bowl...

Made of motherfucking bacon.

What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to go on eating things out of regular bowls knowing full well that this bad boy exists somewhere in the world?

I can't



Fred Rogers

What? You like moustaches? Then visit...


If erection lasts for more than 4 hours, contact your Doctor.

Top 10 Things that someone should probably let the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue people know...

1. Nobody gives a shit if Marisa Miller is in a bikini on the cover of your magazine because she is also on the cover of Perfect 10, except completely nude.

2. Tyra Banks looks like an inside-out raccoon.

3. The internet exists.

4. Body Paint bikinis were pretty hot shit about a decade and a half ago. Now they are about as Risqué as a Full House marathon.

5. Venus and Serena should never be photographed for any reason. Ever.

6. As much as you want to be an American institution, you are a less sexy version of the Sears catalogue.

7. When you turn to 3-D Glasses to try and sell your magazine, you have officially overstayed your welcome.

8. Carol Alt is a lizard.

9. Exotic locations sell half naked girls like cones sell ice cream.

10. Janet Gretzky.......really?

DC Movie Reviews: Jumper

The Movie: Jumper

The Cast: The gay guy from Star Wars, and the black guy from Star Wars.

The Plot: Sliders meets Quantum Leap.

The Review: You will really enjoy this movie if you are Helen Keller.

The Rating: 12.3 Stars (Out of 1000).

Fuck. This.

Words can not describe what is happening here....


God Bless America.

Fecal Vacation

A Google of shit we found.

Todays image search...

Fecal Vacation

10. "I love you" spelled out in turds.

9. Dick Cheney dressed up like a pompous cowboy.

8. A political cartoon about a gay terrorist.

7. A sick boy dying of loneliness.

6. Slumber Party Massacre Vol.1 & Vol.2

5. A cool dog looking for trouble.

4. A Baby listening to some Jungle Beats.

3. Big Bad BiIlly Dee.

2. A nervous man does battle with Q-Bert.

1. A patriotic ferret steals a piece of history.

The Facts of Life

The Facts of Life was an ongoing installment written by K-Love back in the day. It was basically just a list of facts. This was the 4th edition posted on March 1st 2004. Enjoy.

1) Stella Artois is overly carbonated.

2) You can't trust a woman who wears anything with leopard print.

3) The early withdrawl method works for some.

4) Flossing is more important than brushing.

5) Please don't tell us about that crazy dream you had last night.

6) Good bands don't grow on trees.

7) Biodiesel is the future.

8) Anson Carter will get at least 30 goals.

9) Jeff Garlin had a stroke before season 1 of Curb Your Enthusiasm and often mumbled during scences from that season (especially episode 1).

10) Jimi Hendrix was 27 years old when he died. Next year marks the 40th anniversary of "Are You Experienced?"

Editor's Note: Anson Carter scored 33 goals that year.

Cyber Encounters Remix V1.0

This was originally posted on Dec 8th 2004.

The following is a 100% real transcript from an actual conversation in a real cyber sex room. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Enjoy.

Troy A: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

lolita78: Aight.

Troy A: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

lolita78: I slip out of my pants, just for you, Troy A.

Troy A: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

lolita78: Oh, I like to play dress up.

Troy A: Me too baby.

lolita78: I kiss you softly on your chest.

Troy A: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

lolita78: Hey...

Troy A: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Wang of the Infinite.

lolita78: Funny I still don't see it.

Troy A: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty-Fuck of the Beyondness.

lolita78: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

Troy A: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

Troy A: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

lolita78: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit.

Troy A: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

Troy A: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

Troy A: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.

Troy A: Baby?

And the rest....

Saddle up.

This was originally posted on Dec, 04th 2004. It marked the beginning of what became a legendary love affair between the blog and the worlds greatest band. Enjoy.

Thanks to a internet leak, we are happy to bring you the new artwork and track listings for the upcoming Uteromo's Conquest album. From what we have been able to dig up, the long awaited album will be in stores early next spring, and will be accompanied by a DVD of some of the bands favorite scene's from the popular adult video series "Shane's World". This will mark the second time in the band's career where a proof of age will be needed to purchae their album. The first occuring during the infamous 1989 release of "Underage Mouth". Athough no one from the band was available for comment, the band's representaion did send out a Media Release today stating "Uteromo's Conquest is fucking rad". Enjoy.

1. Chained to a sex dove.
2. You have nice legs (and your husbands a dick)
3. Pregnant breakfast
4. Stink finger
5. 2 way mirror
6. restraining order #7
7. Who cares what your name is?
8. Butter Cunt
9. Saddle Up
10. Proffesional Bride

The Hollywood Repoter

So this is another throw back from the crisp time of January, 9th 2005. For those of you that need a refresher, The Hollywood Reporter is basically future movies developed by people that are smarter than you. Enjoy.

1) Muhamed & the Hendersons Starring: Al Frankin, Mary Steambergen, and the voice of Jeff Foxworthy
Some yuppies buy a house in East Rutherford, New Jersey which is haunted by an Arabic speaking ghost.

2) Legal Spread Eagle Starring: Dakota Fanning and Nick Lachey
A man has sex with his adopted daughter.

3) Freebass Starring: Juliette Lewis and Allan Iverson
A stripper loses faith in her bass player boyfriend.

4) Hot Threesome Starring: Billy, Daniel, And Stephen Baldwin
A raging house fire claims the lives of 3 during a porn shoot.

5) Bitch had it coming Starring: Lara Flynn Boyle and Dennis Farina
A traveling dancer is dumped on christmas morning by her cheating boyfriend.

Burial Plots.

Today we begin our celebration of the past with a throw-back post. This was originally posted on December 2nd 2004, but it was written well over a year before that. It's a list of plots. Plots for what you ask? Nothing. That sounds stupid? So does your Mom when she begs for change on the street corner. Too far? Maybe.

So anyways, I fully expect these to be made into movies, tv shows, books, plays or bumper stickers by the end of the work week. Why? Because they are fucking fantastic. Whats with all the questions anyways?

A Half man half cow falls in love with a murder of crows.

Hagar the Horrible tries out for the New York Jets.

A professional pianist orders a bologne sandwich, and instead receives skin cancer.

notorious religious figure takes a Honda Civic on a test drive.

A scientist develops a new global language that bridges all culture gaps. (English).

Malcome Jamal Warner dies of loneliness.

The Acadamy Awards add a new Oscar for ‘best nude scene’.

Your next door neighbor learns to surf.

A disgruntled janitor switches the regular handsoap with Cool Whip.

Troy joins the circus as a glass eater. Later dies in hospital.

A monkey brings down ‘NAFTA’ from the inside.

A nun starts up a Direct Marketing firm.

NASCAR floats into space.

A covent of witches replace the cast of ‘Will & Grace’.

Mr.Kool-Aid finds himself in financial difficulty.

Matt a hole to China. He fills it with dead Chinese people.

Shindler’s List 2: Die Harder

A spotted Donkey realizes he’s a Cheetah.

A beaver, a bee, and an ant fight to resolve “who works harder”.

Gwen Stefani teaches Frank how to swim. Later, Frank convicted of sexual harrasment.

Denzel Washington registers as a sex offender.

A woman gives birth to a Cellular telephone.

A grocery store invades Afganistan.

Gary Sinese walks a fine line between Actor and Product.

The city of Atlanta gets pregnant.

A homeless man turns out to be Scott E Moil.

A police officer misplaces his gun at the French’s mustard factory.

A small coffee shop goes out of business.

A mongoose questions it’s own existence.

The eldest son in a broken home has to deal with being the new “Dad”. Later kills self.

Davey Replaces his own eyes with olives. Power of sight unaffected.

Charles in Charge: The Movie

A painful memory haunts a ’71 Plymouth GTX

Wayne Gretzky comes to terms with the fact that his penile disorder was all in his head.

Jer discovers the ‘meaning of life’ and trades it to Ted Turner for a sitcom on CNN.

The soul of a dead bass player haunts the Goodyear blimp.

Warren Beatty’s head explodes after discovering that his Solo Album went ‘gold’.

A Deli serves up the tastiest Rueben sandwich ever made, and charges a mere $3.99.

The second coming of Christ gets aborted.

Native tribes across the country admit that they were “just screwing with us”.

Adam erects a 500ft statue of himself. Later, given key to city.

2017 – Federal election replaced with a tug ‘o’ war.

Hef replaces costly ‘Playmates’ with ‘Papermate’…later found to be senile.

A new day is added to the 7 day calender week. The new day? – Tuesday Jr.

A mailman invents a cum swallowing machine, and only sells one…....for 1 billion dollars.

Bob Marley becomes the first black American President that is a ghost.

Blogs are gay. So are you.

So waaay back in the day (2004) there was a blog by the name of "Blogs are gay. So are you". It was basically the grandaddy of the modern day DeathCar. It had many popular ongoing themes and features including:

Derek Jeter's Perfect throw and gay accusations

The Hollywood Reporter

Burial Plots

The Facts of Life

Cyber Encounters

Uteromo's Conquest

and, Glen Anderson

So I thought it would be fun to spend the week revisiting some classics , and continue the tradition with some new posts with an old flavor.

I hope you like it (but if don't it doesn't really matter because you are insignificant).



You know when you see a product or idea and think to yourself, "that was so obvious, why didn't I think of that"? Well get ready to kick yourself in the ass, because somebody has beaten you to the punch yet again. Let me be the first to introduce you to the wave of the future, The Gun-Knife.

Think about how much time this will save you. No having to decide whether to bring your knife or your gun with you, now through the miracle of modern awesomeness, you can do both.

What a glorious and free society we live in where good ideas flow like tap water. This is truly the greatest thing since sliced bread. But why slice it? Now we can shoot the bread.

It's true what they say, build a better mousetrap...

Old people are old.

Those crazy Eskimos had it right the first time.

You see, Eskimos, or Inuits, or cold Indians or whatever, may be a little slow in the geographic department compared to you and me, but those whale riders are light years ahead in the area of elderly management.

What do we normally do with something that is broken? We throw in the garbage. So why so much compassion for old people? The truth is, old people are a drain on society, and have absolutely nothing to offer back in return (unless soiled diapers and babbling nonsense has been come a hot property, and I was gleefully unaware of it).

The Eskimos used to put their old people on an ice float and let them die out at sea with dignity. Where are our ice floats? Maybe we should have a mandatory retirement age. And by retirement, I mean death.

The crux of the situation is that old people are crashing our potluck and eating all the dip. I say it's time we took our "courtesy seats"back!

Who's with me?

Editor's Note: What's with the anti Inuit shit? That seemed a little unnecessary.

The DeathCar Scientists are at it agian.

There's a lot of jerks out there these days, getting angry at Japanese people for eating dolphins. CNN has a poll that says "Should Japanese people be allowed to eat dolphins?" Fuck! Who you gonna call, dolphinbusters?

Nobody can regulate what Japanese people eat. Or any Asian people, for that matter. If you take away dolphins, they'll eat pandas. If you take away pandas, they'll eat Godzillas. That shit is delicious.

Most Deathcar Scientists, slaving away at 25-hour shifts in our unheated underground bunker, now agree that SARS started because a virus transferred from civet cats to humans. Chinese people, especially south Chinese people, like to eat civet cats. Civet cats are essentially large raccoons. There's good meat on there. Apparently. And good virus. The virus locks in the flavor.

Hell, do you know what the US Navy does with dolphins? They frikkin strap cameras on their heads and train them to defuse bombs. The dolphin is down there like, red wire, green wire, it's frikkin lethal weapon 5: the dolphining, joe pesci has blond hair and is freaking out.

You know, I live in southern China. On my second day here, I went to the supermarket to buy food, as you do. I'm walking around in the seafood department, and passed by live fish, live another kind of fish, live shrimp .... Live Baby Crocodiles. I shit you not. You buy them by the pound, take them home and fry them up. In a regular grocery store.

Dolphins aren't ok,
but crocodiles are? That's racist!!!


Buddy Ebsen

After a brief hiatus, the moustache generator is back in business.


Dignity Sandwich

A Google of shit we found.

Today's image search...

Dignity Sandwich

10. A baboon wearing a cape attacking a concerned monk.

9. A redheaded homosexual playing soccer.

8. A fat man pushing himself into George Bush's behind while another man is diddleing the Presidents balls.

7. Alex Trebek contemplates cheating on his wife.

6. The legend King Kong Bundy.

5. A lonely crow wonders where he went wrong.

4. The dude from Reading Rainbow at his day job.

3. A man whipping a man that hung himself in fron t of a pig that did the same.

2. A bird with the head of a woman, and a nice pair of tits.

1. Adam & Adora play dress-up.

Part 2

Today on "Who the fuck has a YouTube user profile, we meet the enigmatic Darrelly84.

Darelly is a 23 year old american that has a grand total of 3 videos uploaded to his YouTube Profile page. What are these videos of? So glad you asked.

The first fantastic video is approximatelu 1 minute of his cat (buster goose) staring out the window. Fucking riveting shit. The next video is of his buddy David participating in the arcade game "Dance dance revolution". Redefines amazing. And finally 5 fucking minutes of Paula Poundstone doing stand-up "Comedy".

So basically, to sum Darelly up in a nutshell, he is a closet gay man that lives in his parents basement that enjoys shitty comedy and hasen't quite gotten up the nerve to tell David how he really feels.

Good luck Darelly, and keep those great videos coming.

Maybe she has a penis or something?

What are fucking kidding me?

According to my sources (the internet), pretty girl and Hollywood actress, Megan Fox is engaged to Brian Austin Green. Yup, that dude who banged Donna on 90210.

Soooooo, anyone mind telling me what fucking planet we're on where Tiger Beats 84th coolest guy on the planet 1992 is getting it on with a girl that looks like she was created in a lab a la Weird Science? Does she even know about this? Someone should probably let her know that she is approximately ten thousand light years out of his league. Megan Fox could lose a leg or two and still find someone better than him. At a bus station. Filled with lepers.

I guess I could have also gone the other way with this and propped B.A.G. up on a pedestal for reaching for the stars (and catching one), but I didn't. Why didn't I? Fuck him, that's why.

Editor's Note: Remember on 90210 how David worked as a High School DJ? Was that just a tv thing, or did other high Schools have radio stations in them? I feel so fucking ripped off right now.

DC Movie Reviews: Fool's Gold

The Movie: Fool's Gold

The Review: Anybody that pays money to see this should be burned alive.

The Rating: 71/2 Stars (out of 1000 Stars).

This Cunt is a Cunt.

So it's been about 2 weeks since we tweaked formats here at the old DeathCar, and things are going great. Tach has been leaking his mumblings all over the carpet, and I have gone completely numb from the waist up. All in all, I say it has been a success.

So to celebrate, I though it would be nice to do an old fashioned DeathCar post. The subject of today's massacre is none other than America's conservative sweetheart, Lizzy Hasselbeck.

You see, it's not just that she opposes gay marriage, and the morning after pill for woman that were raped, or blindly supports that War of terror, or married a shitty quarterback, or is essentially Richard Hatch but prettier, but it's the fact that she makes 3 current DeathCar alums (Rosie O'donnell, Joy Behar, and Whoppi Goldberg), seem like intelligent, credible and reasonable human beings, and that just destroys everything we are trying to accomplish here.

How would she like like it if I just ran around and made a mockery of everything she believes in like the Jesus, and being ignorant. I bet she wouldn't like that too much. Maybe we should use her as a sort of giant bait to lure the rest of the far right, (Read: remotely right), into a giant mass grave of sorts (Read: Grand Canyon), and solve our problem, (Read: Cover them with kerosene, light them on fire and roast marshmallows over their rotting corpses), once and for all.

Wow, that felt good. I forgot how much fun it is to kill people that you disagree with. Maybe Adolf was right. Maybe he was on to something with that whole holocaust thing. Maybe I should read those pamphlets those skinheads gave me. Hmmmmm...

Editor's Note: Wouldn't it be great if that's how it ended? DeathCar just turned into this white power super blog. Anyways, you can't get all bent out of shape because I am black and Jewish so it's ok to laugh. Let's say I'm also in a wheelchair, just to be safe.

Editor's Note 2: The above pic is from Moustache. 2 motherfucking birds, 1 motherfucking stone (high Five).

More? drawnonmoustache.blogspot.com

Regular Jesus was a pussy.

He just needed to work out more. He never would have died on that cross if he had had the muscles to break offa there. I'm not saying he needed to use the cream and the clear or anything. I'm just saying that a few more hours in Ye Olde Roman Gym per week would have kept Our Savior in the fighting shape he needed to be in.
Our elite team of DeathCar Scientists, working 24 hours a day in a top secret underground bunker, have come up with the illustration shown here. The gentleman in question is known as Ripped Jesus. If you look closely you will see that Jesus is easily breaking not one but both of the crossbeams. The nails in his hands aren't even slowing him down. He thought that a fly bit him or something.
In short: I do not believe in Regular Jesus. He is not My Savior any more. I only pray to Ripped Jesus. And I invite you all to join me.


Bill Cosby

More? drawnonmoustache.blogspot.com

Tampon Werewolf

A Google of shit we found.

Today's image search...

Tampon Werewolf

10. A woman standing in front of a entertaining swastika.

9. A turkey wearing a sign around it's neck advising you to eat ham.

8. An arrow pointing from (100%) to (a bed).

7. Actor Hugh Laurie looking slightly unsure of himself.

6. Dead, or soon to be, Racoon

5. Suspicious boy enjoying a plate of spaghetti.

4. Amazing Unicorn.

3. Naked Woman washing an affordable automobile.

2. Black Ass.

1. A helpful diagram for hygienic ladies.

Don't leave your uncle T-bag hanging.

So you may have noticed that DeathCar has been seeing the world a little half empty for the last few forevers or so, so I have decided to right the ship (for one post at least) and drop a few of our favorite Arrested Development Quotes. What? You never got into Arrested Development? Then you are the problem, and not the solution. Please leave here forever. Here we go...

Best of: Arrested Development quotes (Part 1 of 342)...

George Michael: Uncle Gob, was Aunt Lindsay ever pregnant?
Gob: Yeah, sure, dozens of times.

Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch.
Michael: Really? When did that start?

Tobias: Well, I don't want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn't help.

Tobias: You know, first of all, we are doing this for her, okay, because neither one of us wants to get divorced. And second-of-ly, I know you're the big marriage expert. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. Your wife is dead!

Lucille: You might want to let that fire go out before you stick your face in it.
Lindsay: Ah, that's funny. Because I was going to say, you might want to lean away from that fire since you're soaked in alcohol.

Lucille: Mine was better.

Gob: She's not "that Mexican," Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something. Anyway, it's over.

White Power Bill: [as he's stabbing Gob] White power!
Gob: [gasping] I'm.. white..

Michael: That's one of the things that attracted me to you; your sense of right and wrong. I also like your hair and your face and your breasts.

Gob: George Michael, what are you doing at a high school dance?

Gob: [to Gary] You've got a nice mouth.
Gob: [watching Gary climbing to reach a shelf] I'd kill for that ass.

Gob: [with Gary sitting on him in the chair] ok, the chair's not doing it now, but whenever I...

Can I get a stingray over here?

That's right, another Australian needs to die.

I got two words for you. One is Worthington. The other is Corey. But not in that order.

If you don't already know, Corey is an Australian idiot who posted on myspace that his parents were out of town, so 500 people showed up and trashed his house, and when it was good and trashed they went and trashed his neighbour's houses too.

For some reason the police didn't take kindly to this and shut the whole operation down. But it was hard to prosecute Corey because being an asshole is not a crime in Australia. (If it was, the whole country would be a jail ... oh wait ... didn't that already happen?)

Anyway, the media decided to prosecute him instead. There's about a billion youtube videos of this tard up there now but the best one is where a pissed-off TV anchor asks him "why don't you take off those stupid yellow sunglasses, and Corey answers,

"Because they're famous."

It's funnier when he says it.

Oh, and there's a happy ending too: the police were questioning C.W. on a followup and found nude pics of an 11 year old boy on his cell phone, so Corey is gonna be prosecuted for something after all. Oh and then some other australians attacked him and someone shot a movie of it on their celly. What's next, leaked sex tape?

For his contributions to society, Corey Worthington joins Bindi Irwin, Crocodile Dundee and Sean Connery in our all-Australian Death Car.


Editor's Note (DWB) - I think this guy is a hero, and I may overule Tach and put him in the Life Ambulance. Why? Fuck you, that's why.

Choose your own Adventure!

1.Would you like to watch a video of a monkey drinking it's own pee?

Choose Now!

a) Yes, I would like to see video of a monkey drinking it's own pee!
(Go directly to the bottom of the post and click "play")

b) No, I have no interest in seeing a video of a monkey drinking it's own pee
(Go directly to the bottom of this post and go fuck yourself)

2. Would you like to watch that video of the monkey drinking it's own pee again?

Choose Now!

a) Yes, I would like to see video of a monkey drinking it's own pee again!
(Go directly to the bottom of the post and click "play" again)

b) No, I have no interest in seeing a video of a monkey drinking it's own pee.
(What the fuck are you still doing here? The adventure is over for you. We don't want your kind at this blog, so why don't you click on your bookmarks page and go visit MySpace or Pitchfork you boring fuck.)

Ta Da!

Editor's Note: Yup, DeathCar is this now.

You owe Sergei Gonchar a quarter.

So normally I wouldn't just post the "Viral video" of the day, but in this case I couldn't resist. This is a local car commercial starring 3 members of the Pittsburgh Penguins, and it's amazing on at least 18 levels.

Ok first, why is Colby Armstrong in it? That guy can barely play hockey let alone sell cars. He will likely be mowing your lawn by next summer for spending cash and a cool glass of lemonaid. And why is Sergie Gonchar being played by Slippery Pete from the Frogger episode of Seinfeld? He looks like he has a pound of coke up his ass. And Malkin? Why would you attempt to recruit Russia's answer to Frankenstein to help market your product? Why not use an autistic bear while your at it? And don't get me started on Maxim Talbot, that guy sounds like a blender when he talks. Why not just record a fax machine and add stock footage of air-show accidents? Now thats how you sell automobiles.

This is clearly the greatest acting job done by professional hockey players since Gretzky hosted SNL in the early nineties. My mind is melted.

Editor's Note: Gonchar's dancing / Air-Spinning / "ticky-de-de-ticky-de" will haunt my dreams for the rest of eternity.

Bitch is a cow.

So as I sat down to write up a DeathCar post today, I decided to go with the old trusty "Americans are ignorant turds" approach. A proven classic. So when I typed in the YouTube search word of "Montage" in hopes of getting some video of star spangled banners and eagles set to a John Cougar Meloncamp song, I stumbled across this little gem.


I'm not some hyper conservative, right wing, boobs are gifts from the devil extremist by any means, but breast feeding your kids when they are 8 is a whole new level of fucked up. I mean were you afraid they were going to grow up to be well adjusted adults that didn't need to visit a professional twice a day just to be able to hug their dog or not cry during sex? Why stop at making them suck on your tits? How about making them wash your pubic hair, or give you enemas? I know, why don't you just name them "Toilet"? or "Molesto"? Or how about just plain old "Target"? Because that's what you've done for them.

Also, it's one thing to be fucked up in the privacy of your own home, but inviting a camera crew to document it? Why not just invite their friends over to watch? You could hand out pamphlet on the best way to give someone a wedgy, or Easy ways to emotional cripple children.

Basically, fuck you. You are the reason people snap and go on shooting sprees when they finally leave the nest to go to college or work for Post Office. And the reporters always ask the neighbours after, "did you see any sign of the accused snapping like this?" and the answer is always the same, "no, he was kinda quiet, really liked milk though."

Editor's Note: I almost used "Got Milk?" as the main title, but then i would have had to either go and write for Leno, or shoot myself, and I was all out of bullets.

Editor's Note 2: Who doesn't have nicknames for their Mom's boobs?

An open letter to Mcdonalds

Dear Mcdonald's Restaurants Corporation Worldwide Inc.,

I (like 54 million of my fellow humans do daily), like to occasionally partake in a cheeseburger and side of french fries at one of your 28,000 restaurants worldwide. May I say that although I am not a restaurateur, or profesional food critic, I have a few small suggestion that may make your customers visits just a tiny bit more enjoyable. Here we go...

Let's start with the staff. I personally do not own a business and have never had to hire a staff, but if I did, I would probably hire someone that did not suffer from metal retardation, or at least had basic motor skills, and if the were a cashier, maybe they could have a 2nd grade level knowledge of math. I only say this because you seem to only hire mentally retarded people without basic motor skills that have no formal training in mathematics.

I also was thinking that it would be fun to hire someone between the ages of 14 and 76. Not that being served by children and the elderly isn't super, I just thought we could try something new. And while I'm on staffing, maybe you should stop hiring people that weigh over 450 pounds to serve the food? I just think that because the food you serve tends to have a rather higher fat content, it's like having a person breathing through a hole in their throat sell you cigarettes. It just kind of puts you off.

Moving on to the menu. What if, (and this is a big if), but what if you offered something on your menu that didn't give you diarrhea? I can't speak for everyone, but noticed that whenever I eat anything the was prepared in a Mcdonald's kitchen I spend the rest of the day in the bathroom. (and just a quick sidenote while we are on the subject, maybe if you could pay someone to occasionally clean the feces off of the toilet seats, that would attract a whole new demographic?). Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, the diarrhea. I think that maybe it's either the sodium potato sticks or the 4 pounds of mayonnaise you insist on dipping all of the sandwiches in. Either way, it's something to think about. I know that I personally would rather not have diarrhea.

I was thinking that because the food you serve makes people feel sick in the short term, and is a leading cause of future long term health problems, you could offer Rolaids or Tums, and perhaps medical insurance. I know that I would like to know that my family will be cared for in the event that my body finally caves in to your delicious dollar menu.

Let's talk convenience. I am the first person to say that just isn't enough time in the day anymore, but it is a little unnerving to receive food that quickly after ordering it. You see, the thing is, it is physically impossible to cook, assemble, and package up a hamburger in 8 seconds. And clearly you have a psychic and or witch back there reading my mind even before I order, and that, (like it may to many others like me), scares the living shit out of me.

I also wanted to ask you about the marketing you have been doing to help promote your restaurants. I noticed that you have been using that same clown for a while now, and I'm not sure if you knew this or not but clowns are wicked scary, and people hate them. Maybe you should tone it down a bit and replace him with a bag of cobras. I also have concerns with that giant purple pear. Do you even sell fruit? Because if you don't you should be careful, somebody could launch a class action law suit against you for false advertising (speaking of which, I would also re-think the whole "I'm Loving it" thing).

So that's basically it for right now. I have other notes I could give you but I don't want to over feed you all in one sitting. I hope that my suggestions have proven helpful to you, and that you can perhaps take a nugget or two out of this to digest. Also, the nuggets are undigestable.

Thank you,

-Human Beings.

PS - I forgot to mention the whole evil global corporation destroying the earth thing. I will get back to you on that.

Vern Troyer

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