Gay Wad

So we have been adding some new additions to the DeathCar line-up this week, and one of those new additions (see 12 words ago), is something we like to call

A Google of shit we found.

So the basic idea is, we type in a search word into Google Images, and then we describe the top ten results. Sound lame? Well my friend, I typed in "Your Mom" as a searchword, and picture of me molesting her showed up. Is that lame? Huh? Fag.

Soooooo....Toady's Word for "A Google of shit we found" is ....

GAY WAD

10. Pizza

9. Tom Selleck in a Ferrari

8. A black guy in serious need of a dental plan.

7. A penguin standing in front of Mount Rushmore.

6. A World AIDS Day poster.

5. Zac Efron

4. A drawing of a Turtle dressed as a bunny.

3. A tombstone for a man named Oliver Lemons (1915 - 1990)

2. A young boy washing his hands.

1. A horny dog.

Never bet on black.

This DeathCar isn't completely dead yet. There are still some important installments to follow, such as this one.

There is a very important kind of person who needs to die. That person is someone who directs or stars in a movie that contains a key scene involving a shootout or hostage-taking in a fairground / fun park / theme park.

Fairgrounds seem like nice places. You can try to shoot the water into the clown's mouth so that the balloon on his head kersplodes. That is an important life lesson for all of us. You can also study the effects of inbreeding and inhalant abuse by observing the carny folk. And you can eat overpriced food and then vomit like a fire hydrant after riding The Ralpher or The Gravity Bomb or some other ride. It's the amercun way.

Hollywood looked at the fairground and said, hold on a moment. What IF ... and follow me on this one for a second .... we actually made a fair seem kinda creepy? Like it looks like a fairground and all, but the music is ominous and then we can have the hero chase the bad guy in there and save the girl. Whaddaya say?

There are many movies that tried this. One of the most annoying was Passenger 57. near the end of this movie, the plane full of terrorists --- remember when movie terrorists were european? I do --- lands at an airport that is inexplicably next to a fairground. All the passengers including Wesley Snipes leave the plane in an orderly manner. Then Evil German Longhaired Guy runs into the fair and takes a hostage and the music is ominous and there's a clown that looks sad BUT HE IS SAD BECAUSE OF THE HOSTAGES and I have to clean a whole hungry-man dinner off my TV screen from all the puking.



I am too lazy to find out who directed it, but he's in the DeathCar and so is Snipes.

-Tach

Part 1

So here we are, the first day of the rest of our lives. A single tear is rolling down face and into my mouth. It tastes divine, like the last Cadbury cream egg of the season. MOZELTOF!

So one of the new features we are going to have here at DeathCar will be posts that salute the brave men and woman that have set up user profiles at YouTube, and fill their accounts with some of the most brain numbing bullshit ever to grace God's bountyful bounty, also known as the internet. I call it "Who the fuck has a YouTube user profile?".

Our first honouree has been a YouTube member since March of '06 and goes by the User handle of "Spouse Rocks My World". Seriously, you can't make that shit up. Spouse (as it's friends call it), likes to make compilations of famous child actor twins, and set it to heartfelt tunes. In fact, it has posted more than 81 to date.

What a wonderful thing to do with your spare time. Collecting clips of the Olson twins, and the...other ones I guess, and sharing them with all the other lonely people on the net. I hear that Jeffery Dahmer had a similar pass-time before "the man" came down on him for attempting to create a "sex zombie" out of the spare parts of his various lovers.

You see this is the part where I would normally go off for 2 paragraphs about what a waste of air this person was, and how we should put it in a vehicle that don't work none good, but this is the first baby step towards diversity. So ya. I don't like it.

Stay tuned for more installments of, "Who the fuck has a YouTube user profile?".



Editor's Note: I also wanted to start making these posts a little shorter and more reader friendly, but I guess I gotta work on that.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.

Dear DeathCar reader,

For the last 3 months and 118 Posts, we have banded together to provide our own brand of vehicular justice upon the shit that walks this earth. Give yourself a hand, this could not have been done without you. But I'm afraid in order to continue on this road paved with gold, we must shift our strategies and broaden our scope.

Starting tomorrow, DeathCar will undergo a major overhaul that will see it join forces with it's sister site, Moustache. This will make an easier one stop shopping experience for you the reader. Also, a new PostMaster will be on board with the addition of Tachikoma from the Ifs and Blips blog.

The New DeathCar will still include your DeathCar's as well as any other observances you may have. As Tachikoma put it, "Why beat one joke to death"? Hopefully after the upgrades, we can beat several jokes to death (fingers crossed).

So let's look forward as we put this current DeathCar in the New Deathcar...

This should be good.

Thanks,

D.W.B.

Untalented rich kid.

Running late.....no time to explain.....Carson....Daly.....is a .....twat.

I heart Huckabee (on fire).

Three reasons why Mike Huckabee is in the DeathCar...

1) He doesn't believe in evolution. Sorry, I know that this FACT kind of fucks up the whole Jesus thing for you, but it fucking happened. You can't just say that you don't belive a FACT. You can not believe in astrology or ghosts, but not evolution. That is RE-TAR-DED.

Fun Fact: Mike also believes in ghosts.

2) He is a fucking Ordained Minister. Because that's what America needs, a head of the Church becoming the head of the State. It's right in the constitution, DON"T MIX THE CHURCH AND THE STATE.

Fun Fact: Mike is a Mormon (yup, that's the weirdo one).

3) He told a story about how when he was in college he and his roommate used to hunt squirrels and COOK THEM IN A POPCORN POPPER AND FUCKING EAT THEM. What fucking planet am I on where an inbred backwoods hick that eats squirrels is a legitimate candidate for PRESIDENT OF THE FUCKING UBITED STATES???? I mean come on...

Fun Fact: Huckabee is a stupid fucking name.

The Facts of Death

Molly Ringwald was in the original Facts of Life????

My world is crumbling all around me!!!!

Editor's Note: Yes, I am just sitting at home alone in my underwear browsing YouTube for old intros to sitcoms I watched as a child. Why?

Dana is a girl's name.

Dana Carvey is a pile of garbage.

I could go into detail on why he lost his funny, but it basically just comes down to the fact that he used to could.

It is sad.

RIP Dana Carvey, you will be missed.

Heath Vs. Fred

Piece of shit (and DeathCar Hall of Famer), Fred Phelps is back, and this time he is planning on protesting recently deceased actor Heath Ledger's funeral.

So that may come as a bit of a shock to anyone not framiliar with Fred and his buddies at the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka Kansas, but once you get to know old Phelpsy, this is just another day atop his mountain of shit. As you may or may not know, Freddy makes it a practice to picket the funerals of gay people, people that died of AIDS and Serviceman. Why? Because the Jesus told him to.

So basically he has announced that he is going to picket Heath's funeral because of the whole Brokeback Mountain thing. I guess Fred doesn't like the his local multiplex being unpurfied by the manly love stories. Fred had this to say in his official press release...

"WBC will picket this pervert's funeral, in religious protest and warning. Heath Ledger thought it was great fun defying God and his plain word; to wit: God hates fags! and Fag Enablers! Ergo, God hates the sordid tacky bucket of slime seasoned with vomit known as "Brokeback Mountain" -and he hates all persons having anything at all to do with it."

I have said this before, but Fred Phelps is the worst person on the planet. I would consider it a personal favor if anyone felt the need to remove his teeth with a spoon and shove them up his ass. Seriously, I will owe you one.

Also, here is his real phone number if the mood should so strike you....

(785) 273-0325

Editor's Note: Phone number courtesy of WWTDD.com

Michael Stipe is super gay.

I checked with my lawyers and they told me that the above statement cannot be considered slanderous and/or homophobic as the man is actually super, and a homosexual. Finally the law is working for me, and not against me.

Where was I?...

So have you ever noticed that Mikey Stipe is simply a more unsuccessful version of Bono? Oh you have? Ok, then just humour me. So Mikey Stipe is a less successful version of Bono. You see, U2 and REM are two "underground" bands that kind of ruled the 80's with their anti-everything, pro-lame stances. The difference being of course, that Bono has at least gone on to attempt change with meetings (all be it useless)with heads of state, and Mikey has held private meetings with Courtney Love. Both may have resulted the same, but at least Bono didn't get Clamidia in the process. Also, Bono has had what we call in the business "album sales".

Now the thing is with that is, REM had a couple of minor hits in the late eighties and early nineties, and Mikey has been living off of that fame ever since. He is like the music world's equivalent of Bob Saget. Bob had a few hit shows in the same era, and now is clinging to sweet fame like it was his last breath. The difference here is that Bob Saget is a talented comedian, and Mikey Stipe is a ball sack.

I say it's time we time we let Michael Stipe know he is unwanted by all getting together and stop buying his albums, stop supporting his live performances, and generally forgetting that his REM ever existed. Wait, what? We already have been doing this for over a decade? Then why am I wasting everyones time writing this? What? Nobody reads this blog? Damn, now that stings.

Editor's Note: He also has his own "The Edge" with that Jimmy Buck guy.

BONER!!!!

Boobs.

Who invented implants? Seriously, was it a blind virgin? Because who ever it was, clearly has NEVER seen, nor felt, nor has any working knowledge of what a boob is. I feel that if you are going to make a knock off of anything, it should closely reflect the original, like a Gucci Bag or a $20 bill. The idea should be, to fool the customer. Of course the customer in this case would be people with eyes. I have eyes. This makes me a customer. As a customer, I would like to make a few design change suggestions. Cool? Ok...

1. Have you noticed that boobs move? It's true, they do. You should make them out of something that also moves. I don't know exactly what the chemical make-up of silicone is, but I assume that the main ingredient is quick-dry cement. This may have seemed like a small oversight at first, but I guarantee you it is as crucial as the shape. Imagine if you decided to make them square? I mean, that would be entertaining, but just not the same.

2. This is kind of an off shoot of the first point, but when a natural boob owner lays down on her back, the boobs tend to fall to their sides, and not resemble hot air balloons taking flight. Again, I don't know exactly what the chemical make-up of silicone is, but apparently it also includes helium.

3. Old people are gross. I just think that nature decide to take attractive, perky boob away from the elderly, because it's creepy to have old people walking around like it's a Russ Meyer's film. You are playing God, and that is wrong in this one isolated instance.

4. You keep putting the nipple back in the wrong place. Again, you may have overlooked this part because nobody really talks about the nipple, but it's kind of like a birthday cake. Nobody cares about where the candle is until it shows up on the side of the damn thing and it resembles a fish's eyeball. I'm just saying.

5. And finally, you can't tell me that you didn't notice that boobs come in lots of different sizes right? Maybe mix in a C cup here and there just for parodies sake. It's like Dr. Suess's "the Sneetches". If everyone has a star in her belly than the star stops being special. Don't flood the market, that's just good business.

So basically to sum up my little rant here, I just want all boobs to be perfect without a trace of tom foolery. Is that too much to ask? Is it? ANSWER ME!!!

Editor's Note: Boobs!

Frankie Muniz is ungood.

So truth be told, I am having a bit of a Lazy Sunday, and don't really feel like putting my all into killing off anyone new today. Soooo, I am going to turn to my go-to guy in these situations. Of course I am referring to Frankie Muniz.

I guess I could go into some detail on why I am killing him again, but I don't feel like it. And it's my blog. And I rule.

Fuck you Frankie Muniz, Fuck you.

An open letter to Jeffrey Jones.

Dear Jeffrey Jones,

You trouble me. You see, I am a big fan of your work. You are one of those great thespians that really defined what it means to be a character actor. Beetlejuice, Howard the Duck, Ed Wood, Sleepy Hollow, Hunt for Red October, Deadwood and of course, the incomparable Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Like I said, your work is top notch and speaks for it self, but what troubles me is that it's hard to like a guy that rapes children.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like you bombed an orphanage or anything, but still, raping little kids isn't exactly the best career move. You see most people just rape people their own age, or even better, not rape at all. Have you tried NOT raping children? It's not hard, thousands of people do it everyday. For instance, the next time you see a little child, and you get that hankering to rape them, simply don't. I think this may not only help out your acting career, but promote you to human being.

Also, Jeff, can I call you Jeff? Did you know that most children don't want to be raped? It's true. That's why they struggle and cry, and you have to threaten them to stay quiet or you will kill their parents.

So all I am saying is that I would like you to at least try and laying off the raping of young children for a while and see how it goes. Either that or we could arrange to shove a baseball bat up your ass? How does that work for you?

Yours Truly,

-DeathCar


PS - Oh ya, the DeathCar. I saved you a seat, I'll explain it later.

New Sister Blog.

We here at DeathCar are pleased to introduce our new sister blog, "Moustache". We urge you to take a moment, and make it a big part of your life. We will take it as a personal insult if you do not comply with this request. Also, we will give you SARS.

drawnonmoustache.blogspot.com

Just fucking do it already.

Maroon 5 is not good.

Maroon 5. What do you want from me? Do you want me to buy your new album? Do you want me to come and see you perform at my local stadium? Do you want me to read about your glossy frontman in the tabloids? Just tell me what you want and I will do it. Why will I do it? Because I am a lazy person that has absolutely no taste in not only music, but also anything in the entire world that has even a single molecule of creativity involved in it. Not only am I not contributing in any way to society, but my boringness is hurting those that come in my contact. Do me a favor Maroon 5, keep making that wonderful music, and I will continue to disintegrate physically and emotionally.

Thank you.

Hanna Miley Ray Montana Cyrus and a dog.

Alright, quick question...

Who the hell is Miley Cyrus? And if she is the chick I'm thinking of, then who the hell is Hanna Montana? Are they same chick? Are they sisters? Is Billy Ray the Dad of both? Do they have the same mother? Is it like when a mommy cat gets it on with lots of daddy cats and a bunch of different breeds spill out after? Do they have real albums and music careers or is it like S Club 7? Speaking of S Club 7, what ever happened to the Hannah on that show? How old was she? How old is Hanna Montana? Is she legal? No? Maybe I should stop typing now.

Editor's Note: So are they/she in DeathCar or what?

Hey look, it's a poll!

Editor's Note: So the poll isn't appearing on the screen for some people, so you can also participate by clicking on the link here...

http://www.polldaddy.com/s/7E8C20ADCB444FEC/

Editor's note 2: Worst. Post. Ever.

Maddening

The following is the first "Guest Host" we have ever had at DeathCar. I had high hopes going in to this, and he has exceeded them. I hope Tach can find time to do this more often as he clearly has "the gift". So here you go, it turns out I'm not the only crazy man on the internet....


Hi Death Car. Long time listener, first time caller.

Benji Madden, Joel Madden, sure, these are all disfigurements on the handsome, metrosexual face of humanity and must be excised. But what about their father, their namesake, their progenitor? I speak, of course, of John Madden.

John Madden's career is in the sporting industry as an 'on-air talker person' (as we say in the biz). He shouts things into a mic-hole, such as "They've gotten a lot of really tough calls today Tom" or "Some of the calls they have recieved could be described, I believe, as tough ones" or "Homerun!"

But it's not the shouting that makes me angry. Oh no. It's the string of identical sports games that has made EA rich and turned him into a kind of boring character actor. He's like an elderly, non-gay Andy Dick. And he's huge. He looks like he sliced up, barbequed and ate William "Refridgerator" Perry, although he generally prefers Turducken.

And did you know he travels around in a custom made bus called the Maddencruiser? He's already in a Death Car! Right there! It's so simple!

In short: Andy Dick is Awesome.

Edito's Note: Tachikoma has a degree in Journalism, so fuck you.

letters from Iwo Jima (or some place relatively near there).

Tachikoma may not be able to view the DeathCar anymore, but that ain't stopping him from participating. He writes...

"You need to do a Deathcar on "Grace Under Fire". Brett Butler and Dave Thomas? It writes itself."

You make 2 good points here my friend. One, Grace Under Fire was one of the worst fucking shows ever made. It wasn't even Dave Thomas, or that dude Grace. It was that snotty piece of shit kid. I wanted to reach through the screen, grab him by the neck, and carve an intricate pattern on his face using a rusty nail. Is that going to far?

And two, it DOES write itself.


Editor's Note: I wanted to use the title "Grace on Fire", but I have apparently already used it on Nancy Grace. Maybe we should have an all "Garce" DeathCar.

Joel Madden is Dead.

How Joel Madden sees himself: Punk Rock mogul.

How everyone else sees him: David Cassidy V 2.0

How Joel Madden sees himself: Rock star that hit teen princess Hillary Duff.

How everyone else sees him: The dude that Hillary Duff dumped.

How Joel Madden sees himself: The Jimmy Page to his brothers not Jimmy Page.

How everyone else sees him: The Davy Jones to his brothers not Davy Jones.

How Joel Madden sees himself: Living forever as a music icon.

How everyone else sees him: Dying forever as a DeathCar passenger.

Editor's Note: My apologies go to Davy Jones and his entire family for dragging the good Jones name down with Joel Madden and his entire family of shit.

Editor's Note 2: My sympathies to John Madden, it must be hard for you to share a name with such a talentless twat.

Editor's Note 3: My sympathies to Billy Joel, it must be hard for you to share a name with such a talentless twat.

Benji Madden is Dead.

How Benji Madden sees himself: Punk Rock mogul.

How everyone else sees him: N'Sync V 2.0

How Benji Madden sees himself: Rock star hitting Aussie bombshell Sophie Monk.

How everyone else sees him: Joni Loves Chachi V 2.0

How Benji Madden sees himself: The Jimmy Page to his brothers Robert Plant.

How everyone else sees him: The Peter Tork to his brothers Davy Jones.

How Benji Madden sees himself: Living forever as a music icon.

How everyone else sees him: Dying forever as a DeathCar passenger.

Editor's Note: My apologies go to Peter Tork and his entire family for dragging the good Tork name down with Benji Madden and his entire family of shit.

Editor's Note 2: My sympathies to John Madden, it must be hard for you to share a name with such a talentless twat.

Editor's Note 3: My sympathies to Benji the dog, it must be hard for you to share a name with such a talentless twat.

Me so horny.

Ok, so the truth of the matter is that Jenna Jameson is a filthy cum dumpster that lures children into the forest so she can feast upon their souls and further strengthen her desperate hold on Earth's male population (with an IQ of under 34), and use all the proceeds to spread her stink across the nation, from sea to sea, one lonely beggar at a time. That is a fact. I'm not really going anywhere specifically with this except I just wanted to point out that I would rather stick my dick in a rattlesnake than that oozing Hepatitis trap she calls a vagina.

I would give her a seat in the DeathCar but I'm afraid she would stain the seats. Maybe we could run her over with it? Ya, that seems to work.

The wrong brother died.

Jim Belushi is a talentless fool. This is not my opinion, but rather an indisputable fact. You see, he is simply another Hollywood sibling that has tried to trick us into thinking that he or she is just another talented version of their brother or sisters a la Baldwins. What Jim Belushi needs to remember is that he is Jim Belushi. He is not John and never will be no matter how many times he dresses up like a Blues Brother or wipes an undetermined white powder from under his nose.

Also his biggest movie was K9. Look it up, I'm not joking.

中國 has screwed me yet again.

So a huge DeathCar contributor died this week. Well, "died" may be the wrong word, I should say "moved".

You see, Tachikoma (pictured above) used to send us his two cents via the "Pollution King" of the Pacific Rim, Taiwan. This worked well for both of us, me in my Westerm Democratic Paradise, and him in his Capitalist Monarchy of Formosa. But all this changed after he decide to take a job in mainland China. You see, little to my knowledge, DeathCar is not only the fist that smashes oppression, but also (and not unrelated I assume), motherfucking BANNED in China.

So I then naturally contacted my lawyers and they advised me to continue on with Award Winning* blog and keep a strict No-Comment policy regarding the blatant jealousy that the Peoples Republic of China has towards my freedom, and my ability to put celebrities that I dislike in a mythical car that may or may not crash.

Down with Communism, up with DeathCar!

Down with Ancient Civilizations, up with DeathCar!

Down with the world's longest continuously used written language system, up with DeathCar!

Down with walls, great or otherwise, up with DeathCar!

Down with Confucianism and/or Taoism, up with DeathCar!

Down with Badminton, up with DeathCar!

Down with China Beach, up with DeathCar!

I can't remember where I was going with this....maybe Tachikoma can help?

Editor's Note: *Not Award Winning

H.M.B.D.T.D.W.E.F.2.F.R. Day 7 (The left over shit).

"....and the rest, here on DeathCar isl."

That was supposed to be sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island. I'm not sure if it will translate, but I'm retarded tired and my eyes are bleeding, so it will have to do.

Anyways, today is the 7th and final day of The Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus Week Extravaganza Fest 2008 For Realz, and I thought I would just chuck the rest of the your nominations into the trunk. Sound good? Too bad.

You guys did tremendously by the way.


And the Nominees are...

FIREHOUSE
Winger
Styx
Poison
Nelson
Extreme
Poison
Whitesnake
Skid Row
twisted sister
Europe

And the winner is....Everyone on the fucking planet.

Good riddance to shite rubbish, and the dream continues....

Editor's Note: The following bands were made exempt by special requests...

Iron Maiden
Motley Crue
Man-o-War
Van Halen

Editor's Note 2: Stay tuned for The Hip-Hop Hippity Hop Death Stretch Humvee Limo Week Extravaganza Fest 2008, Aight in the coming months.

Editor's Note 3: 10 DeathCar Points to anyone that gets the pun that goes with pic at the top of this post.

H.M.B.L.T.B.W.E.F.2.F.R. Day 6 (X Japan)

OK, so it's Day 6 of The Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus Week Extravaganza Fest 2008 For Realz, and we are goning to change things up a bit. You see, new friend to the blog Ryan D decided to send in a video link (below) that blew my mind. So instead of entering this band as a DeathCar nom, I am sending them directly to the coveted Life Ambulance. What band could this possibly be you ask? Well my tubby foe, the band in question is none other than X Japan.

What do I know about X Japan? Nothing. Actually that's not entirely true. I know that they formed in 1983, and they refuse to compromise their rock for anyone including the Devil himself. So put your hands together, click play, and enjoy. Shit is about to get honest.



So I guess this makes it the The Hair Metal Band Life Ambulance Tour Bus Week Extravaganza Fest 2008 For Realz

H.M.B.D.T.D.W.E.F.2.F.R. Day 5 (Cinderella)

Twinnifer has decided to throw his keys in the bowl regarding the old Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus Week Extravaganza Fest 2008 For Realz, and it goes something like this...

"I'll throw in Cinderella".

Now before I get into it I have to tell you that Cinderella may be the most unremarkable band of all time. I personally couldn't remember any album or hit they had, so I consulted my good friend Internet and he confirmed that they were completely useless. I mean as a far as I can tell, they didn't even headline one show. It seems they just opened for bigger and better bands their whole career. Seriously, the most interesting thing I could find about them is that one of it's members left to create a new band with a dude from Ratt.

So I guess we could throw them in the Death Tour Bus, but that would almost upgrade them to "Existing". I say we give them similar treatment that The Scorpions got, and we give them food poisoning. After they die we can put their bodies in the storage compartments before the bus takes off. Ya, that sounds about right.

Editor's Note: They are planning a new tour in 2008. Seriously?

H.M.B.D.T.B.W.E.F.2.F.R. Day 4 (Scorpions)

Jco writes...

"how about the Scorpions?"

Good call my anti-German friend. If you want The Scorpions to die a horribly painful death a la rolling wreckage, than thats what your gonna get.

So, let's begin. So the thing with the Scorpions and being in the Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus Week Extravaganza Fest 2008, For realz, is that they are actually pretty cool. The problem is that they are also Euro-trash piles of human feces. So that kind of brings us to a cross roads.

On the one hand, you have to respect a Metal band that started in 1965, and had members with names such as Rudolf, Wolfgang, Lothar, Klaus, and Barry. But on the other hand, how can you forgive any self respecting metal band that gave us "Send me an angel"?

I think I may have found a compromise. What if they die on the Death Tour Bus, not in an accident, but of food poisoning? Does that work for everyone? Good.

So it was written, so it was done.

Editor;s Note: Yup, you guessed it. Still a fucking band. What the fuck is going on???

H.M.B.D.T.B.W.E.F.2.F.R. Day 3 (W.A.S.P.)

Krimet writes,....

"W.A.S.P"

That is an excellent selection for the Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus Week Extravaganza Fest 2008, For realz Day 3. So let's begin.

So I guess first off we should break down what W.A.S.P. was all about by breaking down what the acronym stands for. A quick google search referred me to a early interview in which the band gave up the info I was looking for. And I tell you, this is what happens when you get a group of 9 year old boys to name your band. Ready?..

W.A.S.P. = We Are Sexual Perverts

There you go. We are sexual perverts indeed. Simply amazing. Why didn't they just go with something like "I like boobs", or "boner owners". Also, my research shows that these renegades of shit spent a large portion of their careers fighting Tipper Gore and the PMRC about their controversial lyrics such as ...

Lick it hard, lap it up, do it now baby, touch it, touch it
Lick your lips and flash your paws
Shuck me suck me eat me raw

Actually, I commend W.A.S.P for their anti censorship stance against Tipper & Friends, as they will be seeing a seat in the old DeathCar fairly soon as well. How ironic that they could spend the rest of eternity together in a old bus. That old bus of course being the Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus. Did I not mention that the post accident eternity includes never getting off the bus? Oh, well that's a part of it. What? How long have I been awake? About 12 minutes. Why? Can you tell? You can? Huh....maybe I should go back to sleep? Ok, I will. Thanks for all of the great advice, your friend, -D.W.B.


Editor's Note: W.A.S.P. is still touring. Why? WHY?

H.M.B.D.T.B.W.E.F.2.F.R. Day 2 (Warrant)

So now we reach day 2 in the Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus Week Extravaganza Fest 2008, For realz debate, and our old friend Thunder Tits has piped in with...

Who are the turds that sang 'Cherry Pie'? they should be there

The band you are thinking of is none other than L.A.'s own Warrant.

You may or may not remember Warrant as the boys that gave us that thinly veiled one hit wonder about taking the virginity from underage girls, hence the pun "Cherry Pie". Whats my favorite line from the song? I'm glad you asked...

"Swingin' in there 'cause
She wanted me to feed her
So I mixed up the batter
And she licked the beater"

Ah Warrant you insinuating bastards, how you never cracked the Billboard Top 10, I'll never know. Actually I do...you have all the talent of Brooke Hogan, and the stage presence of a gay owl. Welcome to the bus.

Editor's Note: Warrant is also still a band today. What is with these bands and there refusal to give up?

Editor's Note 2: Why did the owl have to be gay?

Editor's Note 3: Why did the owl have to be an owl?

H.M.B.D.T.B.W.E.F.2.F.R. Day 1 (Stryper)

So it turns out that Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus Week Extravaganza Fest 2008, For realz starts today, and we have had some good responce with ideas on who you would like to see die.

For instance, T-Rex writes...

STRYPER: Christian hair metal? um.. WTF?!

Good on you, Mr.T-Rex. This is exactly what I think Tachikoma had in mind when he suggested we put Rock Gods in the DeathCar. You see, Stryper had the balls to go where nobody needed to go, or was wanted. That is they brought Jesus to an Arena Rock Show. Isn't that kind of like bringing your Mom to a....well, Arena Rock Show? All she does is complain that it's too loud and smells like illegal.

I guess some of you may be thinking that beliving in God and enjoying Rock Music isn't exactly DeathCar worthy, but remember this: Stryper is still a fucking band today. Yes, you read that correctly. Those piles of filth are still playing state fairs and rolling in thousands of dollars annually.

So basically, fuck them. Fuck them and their Jesus, and their hair, and their past glorys, and their current shite, And their future selves. Look at it this way, at least they are going to heaven after the crash.

Editor's Note: Where are all the Muslim Rock Bands? That would be tight.

Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus Week Extravaganza Fest 2008, For realz

Last week Tachikoma sent in a good idea for a theme DeathCar...

"We really need a Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus. Def Leppard comes to mind, as does Glass Tiger. Pour some sugar on me? More like pour some acid on me."

So it was written, so it was done.

I figure we could add a new member everyday all until the car is full. Let's call it the Hair Metal Band Death Tour Bus Week Extravaganza Fest 2008, For realz


So get your votes in now, the madness starts tommorow. Now as for today, we should probably kill somebody off don't you think? How about Frankie Muniz? I'm not sure if he is even alive, but if he is, fuck him.

Fuck this guy.

I want to surgically cut Zac Efron's face off and shove it up his ass.

Happy 2008.