BONER!!!!

Boobs.

Who invented implants? Seriously, was it a blind virgin? Because who ever it was, clearly has NEVER seen, nor felt, nor has any working knowledge of what a boob is. I feel that if you are going to make a knock off of anything, it should closely reflect the original, like a Gucci Bag or a $20 bill. The idea should be, to fool the customer. Of course the customer in this case would be people with eyes. I have eyes. This makes me a customer. As a customer, I would like to make a few design change suggestions. Cool? Ok...

1. Have you noticed that boobs move? It's true, they do. You should make them out of something that also moves. I don't know exactly what the chemical make-up of silicone is, but I assume that the main ingredient is quick-dry cement. This may have seemed like a small oversight at first, but I guarantee you it is as crucial as the shape. Imagine if you decided to make them square? I mean, that would be entertaining, but just not the same.

2. This is kind of an off shoot of the first point, but when a natural boob owner lays down on her back, the boobs tend to fall to their sides, and not resemble hot air balloons taking flight. Again, I don't know exactly what the chemical make-up of silicone is, but apparently it also includes helium.

3. Old people are gross. I just think that nature decide to take attractive, perky boob away from the elderly, because it's creepy to have old people walking around like it's a Russ Meyer's film. You are playing God, and that is wrong in this one isolated instance.

4. You keep putting the nipple back in the wrong place. Again, you may have overlooked this part because nobody really talks about the nipple, but it's kind of like a birthday cake. Nobody cares about where the candle is until it shows up on the side of the damn thing and it resembles a fish's eyeball. I'm just saying.

5. And finally, you can't tell me that you didn't notice that boobs come in lots of different sizes right? Maybe mix in a C cup here and there just for parodies sake. It's like Dr. Suess's "the Sneetches". If everyone has a star in her belly than the star stops being special. Don't flood the market, that's just good business.

So basically to sum up my little rant here, I just want all boobs to be perfect without a trace of tom foolery. Is that too much to ask? Is it? ANSWER ME!!!

Editor's Note: Boobs!