An open letter to Jeffrey Jones.

Dear Jeffrey Jones,

You trouble me. You see, I am a big fan of your work. You are one of those great thespians that really defined what it means to be a character actor. Beetlejuice, Howard the Duck, Ed Wood, Sleepy Hollow, Hunt for Red October, Deadwood and of course, the incomparable Ed Rooney in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Like I said, your work is top notch and speaks for it self, but what troubles me is that it's hard to like a guy that rapes children.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not like you bombed an orphanage or anything, but still, raping little kids isn't exactly the best career move. You see most people just rape people their own age, or even better, not rape at all. Have you tried NOT raping children? It's not hard, thousands of people do it everyday. For instance, the next time you see a little child, and you get that hankering to rape them, simply don't. I think this may not only help out your acting career, but promote you to human being.

Also, Jeff, can I call you Jeff? Did you know that most children don't want to be raped? It's true. That's why they struggle and cry, and you have to threaten them to stay quiet or you will kill their parents.

So all I am saying is that I would like you to at least try and laying off the raping of young children for a while and see how it goes. Either that or we could arrange to shove a baseball bat up your ass? How does that work for you?

Yours Truly,


PS - Oh ya, the DeathCar. I saved you a seat, I'll explain it later.

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