All you can eat.

You know what I fucking hate? Charity.

Now, before you get all fat, sweaty, drunk, Jerry Lewis on me, let me explain. I hate it when every holiday season, I can't turn on my Television, radio, or open my junk mail without some bearded shithead with a stupid hat telling me that all the kids in Africa are going to miss Christmas this year, and they don't even have the energy cry about it, because they so very very hungry.

Make sense? No? Ok, I'll digress...

You see, these kids don't give a shit about Christmas. Why? Because they don't even know what a Jesus is. And even if they did know what the Jesus was, they only know this because the same asshole charitable organization that is guilting you for having money, is brainwashing these poor bastards (no pun intended) into believing that their lack of Christian faith is what's causing them to die of malaria. And if you think that either way, "at least my donation feeds a child", you are wrong. These people collect hundreds of millions of dollars every year, and about 4 cents makes it to these kids. So do yourself a favor and eat until you explode this year guilt free, because you can't do shit. (unless you volunteer or something, and that's just crazy talk).

So now that that rant is over with, let's put someone in the DeathCar! But who? It should probably be related to the charity rant (above). Hmmmm.....what was the name of that fat bitch from 'All in the Family'? Sally something....anyways, that bitch has got die. Agreed? (cut to sound effect of large crowd clapping and cheering). Good.

Editor's Note: Does anyone else think it's odd to have a 300 pound lady as a spokesperson for starving children? Also, does anyone else remember when Jerry Lewis started talking about "fagots" during last years telethon? Magic.