An open letter to Mcdonalds

Dear Mcdonald's Restaurants Corporation Worldwide Inc.,

I (like 54 million of my fellow humans do daily), like to occasionally partake in a cheeseburger and side of french fries at one of your 28,000 restaurants worldwide. May I say that although I am not a restaurateur, or profesional food critic, I have a few small suggestion that may make your customers visits just a tiny bit more enjoyable. Here we go...

Let's start with the staff. I personally do not own a business and have never had to hire a staff, but if I did, I would probably hire someone that did not suffer from metal retardation, or at least had basic motor skills, and if the were a cashier, maybe they could have a 2nd grade level knowledge of math. I only say this because you seem to only hire mentally retarded people without basic motor skills that have no formal training in mathematics.

I also was thinking that it would be fun to hire someone between the ages of 14 and 76. Not that being served by children and the elderly isn't super, I just thought we could try something new. And while I'm on staffing, maybe you should stop hiring people that weigh over 450 pounds to serve the food? I just think that because the food you serve tends to have a rather higher fat content, it's like having a person breathing through a hole in their throat sell you cigarettes. It just kind of puts you off.

Moving on to the menu. What if, (and this is a big if), but what if you offered something on your menu that didn't give you diarrhea? I can't speak for everyone, but noticed that whenever I eat anything the was prepared in a Mcdonald's kitchen I spend the rest of the day in the bathroom. (and just a quick sidenote while we are on the subject, maybe if you could pay someone to occasionally clean the feces off of the toilet seats, that would attract a whole new demographic?). Anyways, where was I? Oh yes, the diarrhea. I think that maybe it's either the sodium potato sticks or the 4 pounds of mayonnaise you insist on dipping all of the sandwiches in. Either way, it's something to think about. I know that I personally would rather not have diarrhea.

I was thinking that because the food you serve makes people feel sick in the short term, and is a leading cause of future long term health problems, you could offer Rolaids or Tums, and perhaps medical insurance. I know that I would like to know that my family will be cared for in the event that my body finally caves in to your delicious dollar menu.

Let's talk convenience. I am the first person to say that just isn't enough time in the day anymore, but it is a little unnerving to receive food that quickly after ordering it. You see, the thing is, it is physically impossible to cook, assemble, and package up a hamburger in 8 seconds. And clearly you have a psychic and or witch back there reading my mind even before I order, and that, (like it may to many others like me), scares the living shit out of me.

I also wanted to ask you about the marketing you have been doing to help promote your restaurants. I noticed that you have been using that same clown for a while now, and I'm not sure if you knew this or not but clowns are wicked scary, and people hate them. Maybe you should tone it down a bit and replace him with a bag of cobras. I also have concerns with that giant purple pear. Do you even sell fruit? Because if you don't you should be careful, somebody could launch a class action law suit against you for false advertising (speaking of which, I would also re-think the whole "I'm Loving it" thing).

So that's basically it for right now. I have other notes I could give you but I don't want to over feed you all in one sitting. I hope that my suggestions have proven helpful to you, and that you can perhaps take a nugget or two out of this to digest. Also, the nuggets are undigestable.

Thank you,

-Human Beings.

PS - I forgot to mention the whole evil global corporation destroying the earth thing. I will get back to you on that.


  1. Rock Hudson20:30

    I once shared a McRib with Milton Berle on the Paramount backlot.

  2. Your post made me laugh. Thanks! You've got talent!


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