Little People, Dead Midgets.

P-Trox comes up with an interesting point. Midgets are subhuman creatures that feed off our young like vampire bats to field mice. Actually that seems a little harsh, they are also good at shining my shoes, and playing the part of R2-D2, Alf or that kid that used to yell "Da Plane, Da Plane". ya,...so Basically, this happened...

The Rolloffs!!! Yeah that clan of midget/twigs....they need to take a dirt nap on the family farm, after spilling out of the john deer while on their way to the crapper for a family dump.

Again, you can't argue with science.

Dirty Pock Marks.

So it looks like someone has taken my advice to heart (finally), and done my work for me. Spec7ral has not only written his own DeathCar rant, but he produced and directed it as well. Think of him as the Ivan Reitman of borderline Inappropriate blogs. But before I turn him loose like Loverboy, I have to say, his inclusion of Chris Pronger's Wife is not just untopical, but wonderous in it's own Endeavor. Enjoy.

Hey fuck face I have a Turd car for you, it is all female as I am a misogynist:

Driver: Tyra Banks. She's not pretty. She thinks she can judge models because she has big tits and a bigger forehead. And her show isn't even in HD on the HD channels. Of all programs, shouldn't a program about people with (supposedly) little to no physical defects be shown in HD? I want to see her fucking dirty pock marks.

Shotgun: Courtney love. Obvious pun.

Backseat: Barry Bonds. You deserve no records and no accolades. You deserve to get your hyper human blood all over Tyra's forehead at the moment of impact. And that's right, he was a woman before he took the juice.

Chris Pronger's Wife: You thought it was cold in Edmonton? Try sitting between these two cuntwraps.

Tila Tequila: Because I love your reality show. Because I deleted my myspace. Because you aren't bisexual. Because you are getting rich the Latin way.

Tila Tequila's lap: Dakota Fanning, DIE BITCH!

Trunk: Facebook. Vaginas, every single one of you.

Window clasp: Canucks flags on all four windows to symbolize the ultimate retardedness of the people inside.

P.S. This car would ride through the guts of Oprah as she would have been my Driver choice but is dead already and needs further romping.

Princess Diana locked in trunk of DeathCar

So Gorf has decided to get off his ass and complete the DeathCar he started the other day. He has (under much pressure I might add) decided to replace Princess Diana with The Donald. I have to say, he has put together a fine load here. I particularly enjoy the Carson Daly addition. That guy needs a swift bomb to the throat. Anyways, let's stop the delays and get right to it...

GORF NOVEMBER '07

Driver: Donald Trump

Shotgun: Shawn from Spence Diamonds

Backseat: Charlie Sheen

Backseat: Carson Daly

Backseat: Marc Anthony


Oops! Looks like Gorf forgot to fill his trunk. I guess he wanted me to put the corpse of Princess Diana in there. I bet if Gorf were here right now he would say something like...

"Princess Diana was an ugly whore that molested children". -Gorf

Boy, Gorf is really going to get it for that one. But again, I'm not going to play some sort of "DeathCar God" and tell people who they should and should not put in their trunks, even if that person is a dead princess beloved by millions.

Again, please address all comments to GORF.

Look who's Eating.

So I found an interesting little tid bit about one of our Designated Driver's here at DeathCar, that i thought would be fun to share. It turns out that Kirstie Alley (Read: The Gunt) has had a new sex position named after her.

The Kirstie Alley Sex Maneuver

But what is the Kirstie Alley Sex Maneuver you ask? Well, UrbanDictionary.com defines it as "The act of eating while having sex". It really must be quite a day for you when society thinks about eating and fucking, an image of you pops in their mind. I guess it could be worse. It could be "The act of eating shit while having sex". Speaking of which, has anyone seen that "Two girls, One Cup" video? I have yet to, and I think I'm afraid. Someone should make a "Two Girls, One Kirstie Alley" video. Now that sounds frightening.

Editor's Note: As per the "Thunder Tits Act" of 2007, Kirstie Alley may only be placed in the trunk.

B-B-B-Benny and the DeathCars

Benny has taken DeathCar to where it needs to be. You notice how he has provided his own comments for his entries? This means that I can just post it as is. You see, this saves me precious minutes which I will later use to watch televison. Ahhh, King Of Queens, when will Doug learn that he can't pull the wool over that fat cunt's eyes?

Anyways, here is Benny's DeathCar. Enjoy.

Driver: Courtney Love (I would say she's a modern-day Frankenstein but that's way too kind)

Shotgun: Rachel Ray ("You can't fake a good meal"...William Burroughs. "Yummy"....Rachel Ray enjoying a shitty meal).

Backseat: Glenn Healy (Hockey Douche Supremo)

Backseat: Margaret Cho (Tearing down stereotypes....oh wait, yeah, just not funny and very unattractive)

Backseat: Oprah (STOP trying to heal people with cars and 30-second sound bites).

Trunk: Hollywood (Let people age with grace and make movies with grace, it's not that hard).

*note* you may include or replace one of the above with...
Hood ornament: Raphael Nadal (cut your shorts and learn to play tennis).

ps - apparently I mostly hate women - is this natural? There are a lot of "Death Car" worthy men out there.

- Benny.

Princess Diana will live forever in our hearts (but not in reality).

Gorf writes...

"Shawn from Spence Diamonds has to be in this car. Also maybe Princess Diana....what? ...already? okay can I take that one back?"

The answer is no. You can't take that one back. You can't take someone out of the DeathCar without first replacing them with an equally death-worthy foe. So, that being said, on with the show!

So because I don't know who "Shawn from Spence Diamonds" is, and I do know who Princess Diana is, I will have to concentrate on the latter here. I hope I do this justice. I am only going to write what I already know Gorf is thinking. OK...here goes.

Princess Diana is such a stupid, dead, cunt. I hope that she is rotting in hell right now. The best day of my life was when that dumb bitch died. My only regret is that she didn't die directly in front of her children. Also, she was a racist.

Now I have to say that i do not personally have any problem with Princess Diana myself. In fact, I thought she was a beautiful humanitarian, and the world is a worse place without her. But, who am I to tell someone else that their opinions (Gorf's) are not valid?

To summarize, please make all comments regarding the above to GORF. Thank you, and have a pleasant day.

Top 10: Robin Williams

Cheese Week continues here at DeathCar with the original "Cool Dad" Robin Williams. I figured that this was a perfect opportunity to debut the great new ongoing feature...

Top 10* Reasons __________** should drive***.

* May vary
** This week, Robin Williams
*** Or just kill themselves

Ready? Lets Go!

10. College roomates with Christopher Reeve, Christopher Reeve now Dead. Coincidence?

9. That filthy genie form Aladdin.

8. The gay character he suddenly jumps into in every single interview he has ever done.

7. Cast member of The Richard Pryor Show, Richard Pryor now Dead. Coincidence?

6. Has the herpes (seriously).

5. The Middle Eastern character he suddenly jumps into in every single interview he has ever done since 9/11.

4. The black character he suddenly jumps into in every single interview he has ever done.

3. He has the right to bear arms.

2. Last person to see John Belushi alive. Coincidence?

1. Mrs. Doubtfire 2 (Summer 2009)

Wikipedia, welcome to the trunk.

So it turns out that DeathCar on Wikipedia was nominated for a "Quick Deletion" by an administrator because he felt that in was merely a giant advertisment for DeathCar, which is absolutely proposterous, and I have never been so insulted.

If you were one of the lucky few to see the page before those fascists at Wiki took it down you would have seen a list of contributors, a short bio on DWB, and articles on the All-Animal DeathCar, and The Life Ambulance.

Perhaps when we live in a society that lets us exchange ideas without subjection to "fair guidelines", we can enjoy a high DeathCar Google ranking together.

Until then,

Fuck Wikipedia.

DeathCarpedia

Just a quick hit to let you all know that DeathCar can now be found on Wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Deathcar

Check it out.

Editors Note: If you go to Wiki, you have to type in "The DeathCar" as just "Deathcar" is apparently some lame song, by some lame band called "Fightstar". You can check it out here http://www.myspace.com/fightstar

Editors Note 2: The song is not good. The band is worse.

Editors Note 3: Seriously, why did they have to ruin DeathCar for me?

T-Rex vs. Gorrila vs. Helen Keller

T-Rex writes...

Second String Death car:

Driver: Former co -host of American Idol Brian Dunkleman
Front Passenger: Jerry Lewis
Back left: Luke Perry
Back right: Bill S Preston Esquire (Alex Winter)
Trunk: The Great Apes (this includes Chimpanzees, Gorrillas, and orangutans. For not being humans.)

So I'm not sure what "Second String" is all about, but the DeathCar looks great. Maybe T-Rex has multiple DeathCars like a rich world traveler or a mechanic. Either way this needs to be further examined. But who? I do hate anything and everything to do with American Idol, but the guy did have the wherewithal to leave. Luke Perry is annoying, but then again i think he already died in a hot-air balloon accident in '98. Alex Winter was with Luke at the time, and Jerry Lewis is a king amongst Men in France. I guess this can only leave us with...The Dirty Apes.

This actually would have made a great addition to the All-Animal DeathCar Tachikoma sent us a few days ago, especially that filty KoKo, that knew over 1000 signs in that deafo language. And what's the deal with Deaf people needing to sign? Their ears don't work, not their mouths. The can easily communicate when their hungry or need a walk by barking or peeing on your shoes. And if you need to tell them they are being gay, you can just press the shock button that activates the device they wear on their chokers. If you ask me, sign language is a big fat waste of time. Just like all those monkeys. Well all of them except Helen Keller, that bitch had a nice rack.

Editor's Note: Wait, is he confusing Deaf people with Dogs or Monkeys? And who is KoKo? Wait, Helen Keller didn't have a nice rack...did she?

Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr: MIndFreak

Today, "Cheese Week" continues here at DeathCar with the Blogger to the Stars, Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr. or Perez Hilton for short.

"But D.W.B., aren't you essentially doing the same thing as Perez Hilton?" - Humans.

Well, if you consider blogging about what pieces of shit a vast majority of people are, and how I wish they were dead as exactly the same thing as what Perez Hilton does, then Yes, I am doing essentially the same thing.

"Then how can you put him in the DeathCar?" -Same Humans

Well, I didn't, Cheese did. And I'm not putting his actions in the DeathCar, I'm putting him into the DeathCar. You see, Perez is fat pompous cunt that goes to every D List celebrity red carpet event in order to fulfill his "secret" desire to be a Hollywood socialite. I mean, he even named himself after that...thing. He even makes it a habit to use his connections with the various Pride Rags he worked for, to "Out" people before they are ready. See Neil Patrick Harris, Lance Bass, Anderson Cooper, Jodie Foster, Queen Latifah...wait....actually,....that's pretty funny. Maybe I have mis-judged the boy. Maybe the DeathCar isn't for Armando. Maybe deep down he is a good person with a kind soul. Maybe the DeathCar is too harsh a sentence for him. If only there was a way I could release him from this fate. If only. (Cut to scene of car driving off cliff, much like the old stock footage from Toonces the Driving Cat).

BONUS VIDEO!:

Paris Hilton: Shit Stain

So I was searching for picture of Paris and her wonderful death scene from House of Wax, when I came across this Pièce de résistance. It is a self portrait that Paris made while in Jail. It shows the struggles she faced with a tiny TV, and a public telephone. I'm starting to think that I could make an entire blog about the insane pictures you can find on a basic Google Image search.

Also,...

Blog contributor Jillian was kind enough to send in this photo of Pariah Hilton eating Chinese food while drinking Coke and wearing sunglases. Now, I'm not sure what all that is supposed to imply, but If it warranted the photographic evidence being emailed to me, then dammit, it's going in the blog.

Fred Phelps must die.

So, I know what you're thinking. Who is this Fred Phelps, and why must he die? Well I'm glad you asked. Fred Phelps is the Pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, in Topeka, Kansas. But why would you wish harm on a man of the cloth? Truly he must be a good, noble man, right? Well, not exactly. You see Fred and his congragation like to protest the funerals of people that died of AIDS. Let me repeat that, HE PROTESTS FUNERALS OF PEOPLE THAT DIED OF AIDS.

You see, Fred believes that homosexuality and its acceptance have doomed most of the world to eternal damnation. And that his boy, Jesus, sent the world AIDS as a tool to help his Church exterminate gay people.

Here is an example of some of the slogans they put on their signs...

Thank God for 9/11
God hates fags
AIDS cures fags
Fags die, God laughs

Seriously, you can't make shit like this up. And just to add to the madness, Fred also calls for the end of Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, and Asians, which shouldn't come as any shock, but he also runs anti-Swedish, anti-Irish, and anti-Canadian websites, which is...well...kind of odd.

So I could literally go on forever about this guy, but I thought it would be more fun to let you guys do it. Go nuts, this guy is the worst of the worst.

Charlie Sheen is a toucher.

A few days ago, Cheese sent in a wonderful little DeathCar, and I promised to further analyse it for you. Well my filthy little inmates, that starts today. It starts with the trunk. It starts with Two and a Half Men.

I do not watch Two and a Half Men. I saw 4 minutes of an episode once and I spent the remaining 18 minutes in the shower, crying, trying to scrub the dirt off. I'm not even positive what the plot is supposed to be, but I did get that Charlie sheen and that gay guy from Pretty In Pink take turns molesting a fat kid, and that just seems a little wrong to me. Maybe if the half was replaced by Bindi Irwin, and the Men were were replaced by fire, it would be a better show. I know we have already ranted about Arrested Development this week, but how is it even remotely possible that 2 and a Half fucking Men is still on the air, and G.O.B. Bluth isn't? God fucking dammit, I got myself all worked up again. I want to put all of the entertainment industry in one giant Deathcar and blow it the fuck up. Wait...would that include me? This blog is supposed to entertain. Does that mean I'm a part of the Entertainment Industry? What? Your blog has to be entertaining to be considered a part of the Entertainment Industry? Who said that?!?! I'll kill you! I work day and night on this stupid thing for little to no money! I'm a god damn Prince! I'm a shepherd to a world of sheep! I'm a Molly Ringwald, and you are all my Duckies! HA HA HA AHA HA AHhaahahah...

So to summarize, this blog is not entertaining, and Charlie Sheen is a pedophile.

DeathCycle?

Shit is being taking it up a notch. I believe this will be the first scenario we have had at DeathCar, or DeathCycle as it were. This makes my job much easier, I highly recommend it. So without further ado...

K7 Writes...

I would like to make a Friday morning post ...

Deathcycle.

Dave Navarro, relapsed, driving around Hollywood on his Harley .... A young, acned male fan of the show ROCKSTAR recognizes him (he doesn't know that Dave used to have dreadlocks while in Jane's Addiction and was once a funny and talented guy) and starts yelling and throwing horns. Dave sees him, throws some horns and yells "YEAH SON". Having averted his eyes from the road, and being high on dope, Dave runs into the back of a stopped vehicle on Mellrose. He flies through the air, almost in slow motion, headfirst into a phone pole.

THE END

Editor's Note: Slow clap, turns into standing O.

I know what your Boobs did last summer.

Thunder Tits is right. If someone does not share similar interests with you, and they are famous, they should die.

Speaking of my huge muscles, here is a brand new DeathCar by Thunder.

Driver: Ben Affleck
Shotgun: Matt Daemon
Back left: J-lo
Middle: Jenny Love Hewitt
Right: Enrique Iglesias
Trunk: Tyra Banks

I particularly enjoy how Double T has decided that Tyra Bank's fat ass needs an entire trunk, normally reserved for large groups of people, to hold it. That is setting a new standard here at the old blog. Fat people go in the trunk. So it was written, so it was done. I also like the addition of the Mensa Twins, and Mexico Iglesias. I do however need to take acception to the addition of Jennifer Love Hewwitt, or just "Love" as I call her (because we are close friends). I find it offensive that you would include such beautiful breats in such a violent act. May I suggest you include the rest of her body in the DeathCar, but promote her mounds to the Life Ambulance? Wait....it just happened. So it was written, so it was done. I could get used to this.

UPDATE: Wow, so it turns out when you google "Jennifer Love Hewitt", you get fan drawings of her (above). It appears that this person had the fantasy that Jennifer was in a fire made of ghosts. Amazing. Simply amazing.

Death Schoolbus?

My old friend Cheese has decided to update the old Deathcar, and who can blame her. Wait?...HER? What kind of self respecting female would willingly go by the name of cheese? Is she one of those wacky "I can hang with anybody cause I'm one of the guys" kind of chicks, or is she simply the "fat/funny friend" of the hot girl that won't return my calls? Who knows, who cares. Either way, here is her list, and I think it is one of the strongest ones entered thust far.

Driver: Robin Williams
Shotgun: Bindi Irwin
Left Back: Perez Hilton
Right Back: Nancy Grace
Middle Back: Janice Dickenson
Trunk: The writers of Two and a Half Men

I don't know where to start here. They are all equally shitty human beings, and I think they will all recieve an individual post in the next week. I do want to however, commend Cheese on her inclusion of our first child here at DeathCar. Not a lot of people would have the balls to wish death on a 7 year old girl that just lost her father, but Cheese did. Because she is brave. Like the firefighters on 9/11.

P.E.T.A. : People Eating Tasty Animals

DeathCar contributor, Tachikoma writes...

Instead of a list of people that should die, i want a list of animals that should be in an all-animal DeathCar.

So I wrote him back and said...

then send it in, idiot.

So he did, and this is it...

OK, Death Car Animal Edition:

1. Driver: Steve Irwin Sting Ray (not for killing Steve, but for not doing it sooner)

2. Shotgun: Whales: For making the Japanese and First Nations groups look bad, and for being so delicious and difficult to catch at the same time.

3. Left seat rear: Alligators, for not trying as hard as crocodiles.

4. Right seat rear: Candiru, for swimming into your wang if you swim in the amazon (seriously)

5. In the middle, rear, without seatbelt: Wombat, simply for choosing to carpool with the wrong group of animals

6. Trunk: Two gay penguins.

I have to say that these all seem like legitimate DeathCar candidates. I particularly like the addition of "no seatbelt" with the wombat, and the sexual orientation of the penguins. Have you ever noticed that the word "orientation" and the word "oriental" are very similar? Is that racist? Am I racist? Are you? The answer is yes. You are a racist, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

George Bush does not care about DeathCar

An old army buddy of mine, let's call him Glen, has asked me to post his DeathCar. Here it is. Verbatem.

kanye west....kanye west....kanye west...kanye west and kanye west

You can't argue with science.

Adam Writes...

My death car:

Driver: Dick Cheney
Shotgun: Ann Coultier
Back seat: Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and Dubya
The trunk: The Fox staff responsible for canceling Arrested Development. Yeah, I'm still mad about that.

Politically speaking, I like this DeathCar. It has all the integrity of a flag without all those pesky stars and stripes. A real down-home vibe with that great southern aftertaste. A blindfolded shot in the dark without the chaos of international circumstance. What the fuck am I talking about? I have no idea. What I do know is that if I ever find the bastard that canceled Arrested Development, I will rip out his fucking eyes with a rusty shovel and replace them with pineapples. I will freeze a highly venomous cobra (solid like a sword,)and stab him in his penis. I will shove his legs into a wood chipper, and shower in his blood. And as he tries to slowly rehabilitate himself for the years to come, and try to win back the respect of his family, I will reappear, cut his tongue off, feed it to the children of the cobra I froze to death (the same one I made a sweet sword out of few sentences ago), and sleep with his wife and children. A little drastic you say? Well so is making entire blog about replacing good people with bad people in mythical car accidents, but I managed to do that, so this doesn't seem that far off, does it?

What about you guys, you fans of the show?

Jillian writes...

My car:

1. DRIVER: Dick Cheney

2. SHOTGUN: Dubya

3. BACK RIGHT: Tamara Taggart

4. BACKLEFT: Pariah Hilton

5. MIDDLE: Britnay Spears

6.TRUNK: The Cast of the Hills and the OC (I have never watched these shows and don't understand their fame)


Bravo sweet Jillian, another DeathCar barrier has been torn down - The Local Celebrity. For those that may not live in the City of Glass, Tamara Taggart is a local Weather Cunt that has basically made life miserable for the locals during the last decade. You see, I have no actually proof of this, but word on the street is that Tamara comes out only at night where she stalks and attacks small livestock especially goats. She feeds of of the blood of her victims, and some even say she devours their souls. She is a heavy creature, the size of a small bear, with a row of spines reaching from the neck to the base of the tail (artists rendition above). If you see her, do not approach her as she is considered armed and dangerous.

Also, Pariah Hilton? is that Paris and Mariah together? Like some sort of Super Beast, like a Mermaid or Pegasus? Maybe this creature can be recruited to help stop The wrath of Tammara Taggart! We have to get these two together like the Keymaster and The Gatekeeper, only this time we won't be afraid to cross the streams!

Bloody Mary

Nobody writes...

Dear D.W.B.,

I love DeathCar. Me and all of my cheerleader friends like to read it when we have sleepovers wearing pigtails and no bras. We also think that you are very strong and handsome.

Wish you were here,

-Girls

It's always nice to hear from a fan. Speaking of which, I was looking through some of the results of one of the many insightful polls we have here at DeathCar, and I noticed that someone nominated Mary Hart as an "Other". I can't tell you how happy this makes me. Did you know that that pile of dirty needles has been on on that fucking show since day one? (and before that she was on the Regis Philbin Show? Wait, there was a Regis Philbin Show?). She may possibly be the most phony person that ever lived. I firmly believe that when she eventually ends up in Hell, she will have her teeth individually extracted from her mouth by the that creepy Cat from Pet Cemetery. Of course this is just a theory. What do you think will happen when Mary Hart goes to Hell?

Thunder Tits writes...

"Please tell me there's still room in the car for Patrick Swayze"

Rest assured my fair lady that there will always be room in the DeathCar for the Original Lord of the Dance. But why? what could The Swayze possibly have done to deserve such a thing? Well, I'm sooo glad you asked...

Internet writes...

The buff actor Patrick Swayze is said to be planning to record a hip-hop track and could release it later this year.
Swayze reportedly told website allhiphop.com he is working on a track that will show that "rap rhythms are an emotional undercurrent for ballads".

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Am I supposed to just go on living, like nothing happened? Patrick Fucking Swayze is making a Fucking Hip-Hop Album!!!

I also found this little quote in case that last blast wasn't enough for you...

"Good looking people turn me off. Myself included.”-Patrick Swayze

God help us.

K7 Writes...

My DeathCar circa November 07:

Hmmmm ....

1) DRIVER: Chris Angel

2) SHOTGUN: Dane Cook

3) BACK LEFT: Darcy Tucker

4) BACK RIGHT: Scott Stapp

5) MIDDLE: Chad Kroeger

6) TRUNK: The Killers

I have to say that I'm ashamed that K7 has beaten me to the punch on some of these. He clearly has a firm grasp on DeathCar and the whole ideaology behind it. I mean he didn't just add two Hall of Fame passengers with Chad Kroeger and Scott Stapp, but he has opened an entire pandora's box of Sports personalities with Darcy Tucker. There will definitely be more on these entries in the near future. Bravo K7, I salute you.

Life Ambulance Goes On...

So I decided to google the word "DeathCar" just to make sure that nobody out there was "ripping fresh slices form my downward stylo", as the kids that hang out out in front of my local 7-11 often say, and I came across this little gem. I'm not sure what's better, the fact that somebody took the time to upload old footage of "Life Goes On" to YouTube and label it "Death Car", or that this is the perfect way to launch the much talked about anti-DeathCar...

"Can you create a 'life ambulance' in which awesome people are preserved for future generations?" -Tachikoma

I personally can't think of anyone better suited to launch such an idea. So without further ado, I would like to present the first Life Ambulance Award to Chris "Corky" Burke. Corky will be forever granted immunity from the DeathCar no matter how shitty a person he may become later in life. We here at DeathCar salute you.

Ewwwww....

Melanie Griffith's face looks like someone injected a bag of cottage cheese with fiberglass. This brings up an interesting question. Is being eye damagingly ugly enough to warrant death by car accident? The answer is yes.

Am I the only one that remembers when Melanie Griffith was the cute voiced Working Girl, and not a human lion? What the fuck happened? She looks like someone replaced her face cream with a forest fire. How does that even happen? Shouldn't Antonio at some point have sat her down and told her to stop wearing a wasp's nest as a balaclava? Clearly she has either been bathing in liquid apocalypse or she lost a bet with the Devil and the punishment was she would start to rapidly aging like Geena Davis did in Beetlejuice. You remember, when Otho reads from the Handbook of the Recently Deceased and she appears in front of them on the table in her wedding dress? That was a great movie. Why doesn't Tim Burton make those types of movies anymore? That new musical one he is making seems a little weak, don't you think? Anyways, where was I...oh ya. Melanie Griffith is a troll.

Samson writes...

"I hate Keanu Reeves".

This is the type of radical insight that keeps the DeathCar train firmly on it's tracks. With one simple sentence we feel the power of his sincerity, and at the same time we see the simplicity in which his emotion speaks. I picture Samson as either a troubled poet searching for a grain of inspiration in a modern world that is passing him by, or a filthy derelict that stumbled across this blog in search for a little barely legal excitement. Either way, it's good to have you aboard.

As for Keanu, I don't really know much about that guy. I did find this funny photo of him, and that has to be worth something, right?

Who Should Drive?: Porn Edition

Tachikoma writes...

"You need to do a couple of posts on a Porn Star DeathCar. for example, that canadian girl from Kate's Playground. You know who I mean."

Unfortunately Tachioma, I do know who you mean. I didn't however know that she was Canadian. I don't do as many background checks on Internet Porn Stars as I guess I should. All I have found on her so far is that she is a stuck up bitch that won't show me her shit unless I pay her the $30.89 a month that she keeps asking me for. I mean come on Kate, your pretty frigid up for a slut. Just remove those white stars from your nipples so we can get down to some business. You have to trust me, I'm good for the money, I'm a big time Hollywood Power Agent (hence my screen-name "Dochollywood42"), and I want to "meet you inside" as you suggested before. So why don't we just drop this "Free Tour" bullshit, or I will be forced to go through with this DeathCar plan that Tachikoma has been on and on about.

Nicholas Sarantakos: MindFreak

To celebrate the 1 week anniversary of the blog the world can't stop talking about, I thought it be fitting the salute a man who maybe the biggest pile of douche on the planet. Of course I am talking about Criss Angel (Mindfreak).

I guess the question is, "Does Nicholas Sarantakos (his real name), deserve to be in a car accident? The answer is yes. But why does he deserve to be in a car accident? Is it because he wears handcuffs as a necklace? Is it because he wears make-up? Is it because he hangs out with fellow DeathCar mainstays like Britney Spears, Carrot Top, Paris Hilton, or That guy from the Brady Bunch (stay tuned)? No...Crissy deserves to be in a car accident because of the following...

I am the mindfreak (mindfeak!)
There's no reality
Just this world of illusion
That keeps on turning me
I am the mindfreak (mindfreak!) (x4)
Mindfreak (x4)
Are you ready?

But seriously, Are you ready?

Nascar is DeathCar.

...Drive in a circle, live in a n RV. Drive in a circle, have a stupid accent. Drive in a circle, salute a flag. Drive in a circle, shoot a gun. Drive in a circle, Vote for Bush. Drive in a circle, drink lite beer. Drive in a circle, Say "ya'll". Drive in a circle, pray to the not black Jesus. Drive in a circle, give thumbs up. Drive in a circle, Walmart. Drive in a circle, have a shitty kid that runs up and down the street with no shirt on, and has sticky shit all over it's face. Drive in a circle, be white....

Boy George is Back!

Let me start by saying that I am a huge Christina Aguilera fan. I think that his singing voice is beyond compare. I think that it must be hard for him to walk around this world with his head held up high, knowing that no matter how much he tells himself, he is beautiful, no matter what you say, he has a penis. Today is not the day for men like Christina, but hopefully soon, in a time with a little less ingnorance, he can spread his wings without having to walk our streets wearing 8 pounds of makeup.

Good Luck Xtina, Good Luck.

I always thought Mona was the Boss.

So i was perusing the results of one of the many insightful polls featured here at DeathCar, when I came across one of the "Other" suggestions. This person has suggested that Tony Danza should be in the DeathCar. This suggestion confuses me. I have always admired the man as a Triple Threat Entertainer, and a second Father to Millions. But at the same time, according to IMDB, he has been in 93 sitcoms, and he was named Tony in all of them. So I am leaving it up to you.

Does Tony Danza deserve to die?

Henry Rollins Vs. Carrot Top

It's about time the punk rock community pulled their weight around the DeathCar offices. I mean, here I am, doing to world a great service by nominating celebrities for deadly car accidents, and they can do is whine about the Government and Evil Corporations all day. Thankfully, Henry Rollins has stepped up, and is willing to put his two cents in on a very qualified DeathCar candidate. Enjoy.

Jaundice, Tubs, & Dead Eye...

So I was thinking, why do you have to fill your DeathCar up? If you have 3 candidates (Read: Cunts) just sitting in car, ready to go, why can't we just pour ourselves a nice drink, disconnect the brakes, sit back and enjoy the show? When you think about it, are there 3 more deserving people on the planet? I mean, if you total up all the car accidents they have already been in, it amounts to somewhere in the ballpark of 40 Quaytiggadons. Quaytiggadons are the official currency of a Space Planet that only I and a handful of my celebrity friends know about. That's how they count car accidents in the future. By totaling the damage created monetarily. Did I mention this took place in the future? ...Hello?....Where am I? ...KILL! KILL! KILL!

New Poll

Kirsti Alley & The Captain from Love Boat are lovers.

Why is it that piles of orange filth like Fergie are even allowed to exist on our planet? Do we have no say in the matter? I just think that it would be in everyones best interest if we fed her to a panther. Or maybe one of those dragon lizard things. Or keep with the original car accident plan, whatever, just get her to be not here, now.

YouTube is a Dangerous Place.

So I was looking for some Tyra Banks footage on YouTube because I had planned on writting a post about how she hasn't been pretty in roughly 473 years, but I came across this little gem instead.



I mean, I realize that putting these douchies in the DeathCar is a little obvious, but damn...how is it even possible that this clip not only exists, but that the show it came from is the #1 show in the fucking world? I would just put America as a whole in the DeathCar, but they also gave us Freedom Fries, and I don't think any of us can imagine living in a world without that wonderful addition. Seriously though, I thought this blog would be a theraputic way of dealing with my anger, but I it's getting me twice as worked up. I should probably just get really drunk and watch Milo & Otis over and over instead. I love that filthy dog.

Cheese writes....

My Personal Death Car

1. DRIVER: Tyra Banks

2. SHOTGUN: Victoria Beckham

3. BACK RIGHT: Paul Shaffer

4. BACK LEFT: Celine Dion

5. MIDDLE: The girl from that Malteasers commercial

6. TRUNK: My Chemical Romance

I couldn't agree with Cheese more on these, especially the Malteaser chick. That bitch needs to be in a car accident pretty badly. Also, did you know that commercial is a remake of British Commercial? Is there anything that those people can make without the US remaking shittily? Shittily....is that word?



UPDATE: What the hell is that video? Was there a Cable Access Show starring Paul Shaffer that I didn't know about? Also, I think Whitney could be potential DeathCar bait as well.

Dane Cook is Feces.

How?...wha?....but....

Laughing at you, not with you...

Don't Forget to Die....

So I'm not even positive what High School Musical is, but I know I hate it. I think this blog may quickly turn into a "list of people that aren't dead yet but should be" site. I'm not even sure if they exist, but it should. Anyways, this is a suggestion for those of you that are still making final cuts for your DeathCar.

Also, why did they make the black guy wear a basketball jersey? And why is that slut wearing anything? Wait isn't she like 12? Am I under arrest? Why am I still typing?

Just take the damn poll...

This Stupid Blog is Confusing.

So there has been some confusing as to how exactly you are to submit your own DeathCar to the old blog. That is a good question. I figure (until I get a hang of this stupid thing) you can just post it in the comments, and the best ones will become their own posts. Does that work? I need to figure this whole internet thing out.

This guy....Uggghh....

My DEATHCAR

This is hard...so many people that deserve to be in car accidents...I'm sure I will be updating this soon...

1. DRIVER: Chef Michael Smith

2. SHOTGUN: Larry the Cable Guy

3. BACK RIGHT: Jamie Foxx

4. BACKLEFT: Patricia Heaton

5. MIDDLE: Tila Tequila

6.TRUNK: Scenesters

The Gist...

So, you should remember a few things before drawing up your first DEATHCAR...

1. You get 5 seats and a trunk. The 5 seats fit one person, and the trunk will fit a group (a band, or Team)
2. The Driver should be specified, as He/She will receive the most damage to the face.
3. Think of your DEATHCAR as a revolving door. Update as needed.
4. If you dissagree with someones DEATHCAR choices, then let them know. Or perhaps put them in your DEATHCAR.
5. I'm sure I'll think of more later...