Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr: MIndFreak

Today, "Cheese Week" continues here at DeathCar with the Blogger to the Stars, Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr. or Perez Hilton for short.

"But D.W.B., aren't you essentially doing the same thing as Perez Hilton?" - Humans.

Well, if you consider blogging about what pieces of shit a vast majority of people are, and how I wish they were dead as exactly the same thing as what Perez Hilton does, then Yes, I am doing essentially the same thing.

"Then how can you put him in the DeathCar?" -Same Humans

Well, I didn't, Cheese did. And I'm not putting his actions in the DeathCar, I'm putting him into the DeathCar. You see, Perez is fat pompous cunt that goes to every D List celebrity red carpet event in order to fulfill his "secret" desire to be a Hollywood socialite. I mean, he even named himself after that...thing. He even makes it a habit to use his connections with the various Pride Rags he worked for, to "Out" people before they are ready. See Neil Patrick Harris, Lance Bass, Anderson Cooper, Jodie Foster, Queen Latifah...wait....actually,....that's pretty funny. Maybe I have mis-judged the boy. Maybe the DeathCar isn't for Armando. Maybe deep down he is a good person with a kind soul. Maybe the DeathCar is too harsh a sentence for him. If only there was a way I could release him from this fate. If only. (Cut to scene of car driving off cliff, much like the old stock footage from Toonces the Driving Cat).

BONUS VIDEO!:

Paris Hilton: Shit Stain

So I was searching for picture of Paris and her wonderful death scene from House of Wax, when I came across this Pièce de résistance. It is a self portrait that Paris made while in Jail. It shows the struggles she faced with a tiny TV, and a public telephone. I'm starting to think that I could make an entire blog about the insane pictures you can find on a basic Google Image search.

Also,...

Blog contributor Jillian was kind enough to send in this photo of Pariah Hilton eating Chinese food while drinking Coke and wearing sunglases. Now, I'm not sure what all that is supposed to imply, but If it warranted the photographic evidence being emailed to me, then dammit, it's going in the blog.

Fred Phelps must die.

So, I know what you're thinking. Who is this Fred Phelps, and why must he die? Well I'm glad you asked. Fred Phelps is the Pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, in Topeka, Kansas. But why would you wish harm on a man of the cloth? Truly he must be a good, noble man, right? Well, not exactly. You see Fred and his congragation like to protest the funerals of people that died of AIDS. Let me repeat that, HE PROTESTS FUNERALS OF PEOPLE THAT DIED OF AIDS.

You see, Fred believes that homosexuality and its acceptance have doomed most of the world to eternal damnation. And that his boy, Jesus, sent the world AIDS as a tool to help his Church exterminate gay people.

Here is an example of some of the slogans they put on their signs...

Thank God for 9/11
God hates fags
AIDS cures fags
Fags die, God laughs

Seriously, you can't make shit like this up. And just to add to the madness, Fred also calls for the end of Jews, Blacks, Hispanics, and Asians, which shouldn't come as any shock, but he also runs anti-Swedish, anti-Irish, and anti-Canadian websites, which is...well...kind of odd.

So I could literally go on forever about this guy, but I thought it would be more fun to let you guys do it. Go nuts, this guy is the worst of the worst.

Charlie Sheen is a toucher.

A few days ago, Cheese sent in a wonderful little DeathCar, and I promised to further analyse it for you. Well my filthy little inmates, that starts today. It starts with the trunk. It starts with Two and a Half Men.

I do not watch Two and a Half Men. I saw 4 minutes of an episode once and I spent the remaining 18 minutes in the shower, crying, trying to scrub the dirt off. I'm not even positive what the plot is supposed to be, but I did get that Charlie sheen and that gay guy from Pretty In Pink take turns molesting a fat kid, and that just seems a little wrong to me. Maybe if the half was replaced by Bindi Irwin, and the Men were were replaced by fire, it would be a better show. I know we have already ranted about Arrested Development this week, but how is it even remotely possible that 2 and a Half fucking Men is still on the air, and G.O.B. Bluth isn't? God fucking dammit, I got myself all worked up again. I want to put all of the entertainment industry in one giant Deathcar and blow it the fuck up. Wait...would that include me? This blog is supposed to entertain. Does that mean I'm a part of the Entertainment Industry? What? Your blog has to be entertaining to be considered a part of the Entertainment Industry? Who said that?!?! I'll kill you! I work day and night on this stupid thing for little to no money! I'm a god damn Prince! I'm a shepherd to a world of sheep! I'm a Molly Ringwald, and you are all my Duckies! HA HA HA AHA HA AHhaahahah...

So to summarize, this blog is not entertaining, and Charlie Sheen is a pedophile.

DeathCycle?

Shit is being taking it up a notch. I believe this will be the first scenario we have had at DeathCar, or DeathCycle as it were. This makes my job much easier, I highly recommend it. So without further ado...

K7 Writes...

I would like to make a Friday morning post ...

Deathcycle.

Dave Navarro, relapsed, driving around Hollywood on his Harley .... A young, acned male fan of the show ROCKSTAR recognizes him (he doesn't know that Dave used to have dreadlocks while in Jane's Addiction and was once a funny and talented guy) and starts yelling and throwing horns. Dave sees him, throws some horns and yells "YEAH SON". Having averted his eyes from the road, and being high on dope, Dave runs into the back of a stopped vehicle on Mellrose. He flies through the air, almost in slow motion, headfirst into a phone pole.

THE END

Editor's Note: Slow clap, turns into standing O.

I know what your Boobs did last summer.

Thunder Tits is right. If someone does not share similar interests with you, and they are famous, they should die.

Speaking of my huge muscles, here is a brand new DeathCar by Thunder.

Driver: Ben Affleck
Shotgun: Matt Daemon
Back left: J-lo
Middle: Jenny Love Hewitt
Right: Enrique Iglesias
Trunk: Tyra Banks

I particularly enjoy how Double T has decided that Tyra Bank's fat ass needs an entire trunk, normally reserved for large groups of people, to hold it. That is setting a new standard here at the old blog. Fat people go in the trunk. So it was written, so it was done. I also like the addition of the Mensa Twins, and Mexico Iglesias. I do however need to take acception to the addition of Jennifer Love Hewwitt, or just "Love" as I call her (because we are close friends). I find it offensive that you would include such beautiful breats in such a violent act. May I suggest you include the rest of her body in the DeathCar, but promote her mounds to the Life Ambulance? Wait....it just happened. So it was written, so it was done. I could get used to this.

UPDATE: Wow, so it turns out when you google "Jennifer Love Hewitt", you get fan drawings of her (above). It appears that this person had the fantasy that Jennifer was in a fire made of ghosts. Amazing. Simply amazing.

Death Schoolbus?

My old friend Cheese has decided to update the old Deathcar, and who can blame her. Wait?...HER? What kind of self respecting female would willingly go by the name of cheese? Is she one of those wacky "I can hang with anybody cause I'm one of the guys" kind of chicks, or is she simply the "fat/funny friend" of the hot girl that won't return my calls? Who knows, who cares. Either way, here is her list, and I think it is one of the strongest ones entered thust far.

Driver: Robin Williams
Shotgun: Bindi Irwin
Left Back: Perez Hilton
Right Back: Nancy Grace
Middle Back: Janice Dickenson
Trunk: The writers of Two and a Half Men

I don't know where to start here. They are all equally shitty human beings, and I think they will all recieve an individual post in the next week. I do want to however, commend Cheese on her inclusion of our first child here at DeathCar. Not a lot of people would have the balls to wish death on a 7 year old girl that just lost her father, but Cheese did. Because she is brave. Like the firefighters on 9/11.