So we have been adding some new additions to the DeathCar line-up this week, and one of those new additions (see 12 words ago), is something we like to call
A Google of shit we found.
So the basic idea is, we type in a search word into Google Images, and then we describe the top ten results. Sound lame? Well my friend, I typed in "Your Mom" as a searchword, and picture of me molesting her showed up. Is that lame? Huh? Fag.
Soooooo....Toady's Word for "A Google of shit we found" is ....
GAY WAD
10. Pizza
9. Tom Selleck in a Ferrari
8. A black guy in serious need of a dental plan.
7. A penguin standing in front of Mount Rushmore.
6. A World AIDS Day poster.
5. Zac Efron
4. A drawing of a Turtle dressed as a bunny.
3. A tombstone for a man named Oliver Lemons (1915 - 1990)
This DeathCar isn't completely dead yet. There are still some important installments to follow, such as this one.
There is a very important kind of person who needs to die. That person is someone who directs or stars in a movie that contains a key scene involving a shootout or hostage-taking in a fairground / fun park / theme park.
Fairgrounds seem like nice places. You can try to shoot the water into the clown's mouth so that the balloon on his head kersplodes. That is an important life lesson for all of us. You can also study the effects of inbreeding and inhalant abuse by observing the carny folk. And you can eat overpriced food and then vomit like a fire hydrant after riding The Ralpher or The Gravity Bomb or some other ride. It's the amercun way.
Hollywood looked at the fairground and said, hold on a moment. What IF ... and follow me on this one for a second .... we actually made a fair seem kinda creepy? Like it looks like a fairground and all, but the music is ominous and then we can have the hero chase the bad guy in there and save the girl. Whaddaya say?
There are many movies that tried this. One of the most annoying was Passenger 57. near the end of this movie, the plane full of terrorists --- remember when movie terrorists were european? I do --- lands at an airport that is inexplicably next to a fairground. All the passengers including Wesley Snipes leave the plane in an orderly manner. Then Evil German Longhaired Guy runs into the fair and takes a hostage and the music is ominous and there's a clown that looks sad BUT HE IS SAD BECAUSE OF THE HOSTAGES and I have to clean a whole hungry-man dinner off my TV screen from all the puking.
I am too lazy to find out who directed it, but he's in the DeathCar and so is Snipes.
So here we are, the first day of the rest of our lives. A single tear is rolling down face and into my mouth. It tastes divine, like the last Cadbury cream egg of the season. MOZELTOF!
So one of the new features we are going to have here at DeathCar will be posts that salute the brave men and woman that have set up user profiles at YouTube, and fill their accounts with some of the most brain numbing bullshit ever to grace God's bountyful bounty, also known as the internet. I call it "Who the fuck has a YouTube user profile?".
Our first honouree has been a YouTube member since March of '06 and goes by the User handle of "Spouse Rocks My World". Seriously, you can't make that shit up. Spouse (as it's friends call it), likes to make compilations of famous child actor twins, and set it to heartfelt tunes. In fact, it has posted more than 81 to date.
What a wonderful thing to do with your spare time. Collecting clips of the Olson twins, and the...other ones I guess, and sharing them with all the other lonely people on the net. I hear that Jeffery Dahmer had a similar pass-time before "the man" came down on him for attempting to create a "sex zombie" out of the spare parts of his various lovers.
You see this is the part where I would normally go off for 2 paragraphs about what a waste of air this person was, and how we should put it in a vehicle that don't work none good, but this is the first baby step towards diversity. So ya. I don't like it.
Stay tuned for more installments of, "Who the fuck has a YouTube user profile?".
Editor's Note:I also wanted to start making these posts a little shorter and more reader friendly, but I guess I gotta work on that.
For the last 3 months and 118 Posts, we have banded together to provide our own brand of vehicular justice upon the shit that walks this earth. Give yourself a hand, this could not have been done without you. But I'm afraid in order to continue on this road paved with gold, we must shift our strategies and broaden our scope.
Starting tomorrow, DeathCar will undergo a major overhaul that will see it join forces with it's sister site, Moustache. This will make an easier one stop shopping experience for you the reader. Also, a new PostMaster will be on board with the addition of Tachikoma from the Ifs and Blips blog.
The New DeathCar will still include your DeathCar's as well as any other observances you may have. As Tachikoma put it, "Why beat one joke to death"? Hopefully after the upgrades, we can beat several jokes to death (fingers crossed).
So let's look forward as we put this current DeathCar in the New Deathcar...
Three reasons why Mike Huckabee is in the DeathCar...
1) He doesn't believe in evolution. Sorry, I know that this FACT kind of fucks up the whole Jesus thing for you, but it fucking happened. You can't just say that you don't belive a FACT. You can not believe in astrology or ghosts, but not evolution. That is RE-TAR-DED.
Fun Fact: Mike also believes in ghosts.
2) He is a fucking Ordained Minister. Because that's what America needs, a head of the Church becoming the head of the State. It's right in the constitution, DON"T MIX THE CHURCH AND THE STATE. Fun Fact: Mike is a Mormon (yup, that's the weirdo one).
3) He told a story about how when he was in college he and his roommate used to hunt squirrels and COOK THEM IN A POPCORN POPPER AND FUCKING EAT THEM. What fucking planet am I on where an inbred backwoods hick that eats squirrels is a legitimate candidate for PRESIDENT OF THE FUCKING UBITED STATES???? I mean come on... Fun Fact: Huckabee is a stupid fucking name.
