Little People, Dead Midgets.

P-Trox comes up with an interesting point. Midgets are subhuman creatures that feed off our young like vampire bats to field mice. Actually that seems a little harsh, they are also good at shining my shoes, and playing the part of R2-D2, Alf or that kid that used to yell "Da Plane, Da Plane". ya,...so Basically, this happened...

The Rolloffs!!! Yeah that clan of midget/twigs....they need to take a dirt nap on the family farm, after spilling out of the john deer while on their way to the crapper for a family dump.

Again, you can't argue with science.

Dirty Pock Marks.

So it looks like someone has taken my advice to heart (finally), and done my work for me. Spec7ral has not only written his own DeathCar rant, but he produced and directed it as well. Think of him as the Ivan Reitman of borderline Inappropriate blogs. But before I turn him loose like Loverboy, I have to say, his inclusion of Chris Pronger's Wife is not just untopical, but wonderous in it's own Endeavor. Enjoy.

Hey fuck face I have a Turd car for you, it is all female as I am a misogynist:

Driver: Tyra Banks. She's not pretty. She thinks she can judge models because she has big tits and a bigger forehead. And her show isn't even in HD on the HD channels. Of all programs, shouldn't a program about people with (supposedly) little to no physical defects be shown in HD? I want to see her fucking dirty pock marks.

Shotgun: Courtney love. Obvious pun.

Backseat: Barry Bonds. You deserve no records and no accolades. You deserve to get your hyper human blood all over Tyra's forehead at the moment of impact. And that's right, he was a woman before he took the juice.

Chris Pronger's Wife: You thought it was cold in Edmonton? Try sitting between these two cuntwraps.

Tila Tequila: Because I love your reality show. Because I deleted my myspace. Because you aren't bisexual. Because you are getting rich the Latin way.

Tila Tequila's lap: Dakota Fanning, DIE BITCH!

Trunk: Facebook. Vaginas, every single one of you.

Window clasp: Canucks flags on all four windows to symbolize the ultimate retardedness of the people inside.

P.S. This car would ride through the guts of Oprah as she would have been my Driver choice but is dead already and needs further romping.

Princess Diana locked in trunk of DeathCar

So Gorf has decided to get off his ass and complete the DeathCar he started the other day. He has (under much pressure I might add) decided to replace Princess Diana with The Donald. I have to say, he has put together a fine load here. I particularly enjoy the Carson Daly addition. That guy needs a swift bomb to the throat. Anyways, let's stop the delays and get right to it...

GORF NOVEMBER '07

Driver: Donald Trump

Shotgun: Shawn from Spence Diamonds

Backseat: Charlie Sheen

Backseat: Carson Daly

Backseat: Marc Anthony


Oops! Looks like Gorf forgot to fill his trunk. I guess he wanted me to put the corpse of Princess Diana in there. I bet if Gorf were here right now he would say something like...

"Princess Diana was an ugly whore that molested children". -Gorf

Boy, Gorf is really going to get it for that one. But again, I'm not going to play some sort of "DeathCar God" and tell people who they should and should not put in their trunks, even if that person is a dead princess beloved by millions.

Again, please address all comments to GORF.

Look who's Eating.

So I found an interesting little tid bit about one of our Designated Driver's here at DeathCar, that i thought would be fun to share. It turns out that Kirstie Alley (Read: The Gunt) has had a new sex position named after her.

The Kirstie Alley Sex Maneuver

But what is the Kirstie Alley Sex Maneuver you ask? Well, UrbanDictionary.com defines it as "The act of eating while having sex". It really must be quite a day for you when society thinks about eating and fucking, an image of you pops in their mind. I guess it could be worse. It could be "The act of eating shit while having sex". Speaking of which, has anyone seen that "Two girls, One Cup" video? I have yet to, and I think I'm afraid. Someone should make a "Two Girls, One Kirstie Alley" video. Now that sounds frightening.

Editor's Note: As per the "Thunder Tits Act" of 2007, Kirstie Alley may only be placed in the trunk.

B-B-B-Benny and the DeathCars

Benny has taken DeathCar to where it needs to be. You notice how he has provided his own comments for his entries? This means that I can just post it as is. You see, this saves me precious minutes which I will later use to watch televison. Ahhh, King Of Queens, when will Doug learn that he can't pull the wool over that fat cunt's eyes?

Anyways, here is Benny's DeathCar. Enjoy.

Driver: Courtney Love (I would say she's a modern-day Frankenstein but that's way too kind)

Shotgun: Rachel Ray ("You can't fake a good meal"...William Burroughs. "Yummy"....Rachel Ray enjoying a shitty meal).

Backseat: Glenn Healy (Hockey Douche Supremo)

Backseat: Margaret Cho (Tearing down stereotypes....oh wait, yeah, just not funny and very unattractive)

Backseat: Oprah (STOP trying to heal people with cars and 30-second sound bites).

Trunk: Hollywood (Let people age with grace and make movies with grace, it's not that hard).

*note* you may include or replace one of the above with...
Hood ornament: Raphael Nadal (cut your shorts and learn to play tennis).

ps - apparently I mostly hate women - is this natural? There are a lot of "Death Car" worthy men out there.

- Benny.

Princess Diana will live forever in our hearts (but not in reality).

Gorf writes...

"Shawn from Spence Diamonds has to be in this car. Also maybe Princess Diana....what? ...already? okay can I take that one back?"

The answer is no. You can't take that one back. You can't take someone out of the DeathCar without first replacing them with an equally death-worthy foe. So, that being said, on with the show!

So because I don't know who "Shawn from Spence Diamonds" is, and I do know who Princess Diana is, I will have to concentrate on the latter here. I hope I do this justice. I am only going to write what I already know Gorf is thinking. OK...here goes.

Princess Diana is such a stupid, dead, cunt. I hope that she is rotting in hell right now. The best day of my life was when that dumb bitch died. My only regret is that she didn't die directly in front of her children. Also, she was a racist.

Now I have to say that i do not personally have any problem with Princess Diana myself. In fact, I thought she was a beautiful humanitarian, and the world is a worse place without her. But, who am I to tell someone else that their opinions (Gorf's) are not valid?

To summarize, please make all comments regarding the above to GORF. Thank you, and have a pleasant day.

Top 10: Robin Williams

Cheese Week continues here at DeathCar with the original "Cool Dad" Robin Williams. I figured that this was a perfect opportunity to debut the great new ongoing feature...

Top 10* Reasons __________** should drive***.

* May vary
** This week, Robin Williams
*** Or just kill themselves

Ready? Lets Go!

10. College roomates with Christopher Reeve, Christopher Reeve now Dead. Coincidence?

9. That filthy genie form Aladdin.

8. The gay character he suddenly jumps into in every single interview he has ever done.

7. Cast member of The Richard Pryor Show, Richard Pryor now Dead. Coincidence?

6. Has the herpes (seriously).

5. The Middle Eastern character he suddenly jumps into in every single interview he has ever done since 9/11.

4. The black character he suddenly jumps into in every single interview he has ever done.

3. He has the right to bear arms.

2. Last person to see John Belushi alive. Coincidence?

1. Mrs. Doubtfire 2 (Summer 2009)